Doors: Part 1

Doors: Part 1

When you see this title, you may be thinking I have come up with a random theme for a sermon, or that I have run out of topics, and I am just grasping at straws.  However, this is a subject that came to me after praying on what to write about.  Mel and I were discussing dreams, and the issue of open doors seems to be a common theme in his dreams.  It was then I knew what I needed to blog about: the positive and negative doors in our lives.

When I looked up scripture references for the word “door,” 164 matches popped up.  As I read the many different times this simple word is used, I realized I could delve much deeper into the subject than I originally intended.  I am certainly not going to list all those scriptures, but this will be a four-part series.

The very first time the word door occurs in the bible is in Genesis 4:7, “If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it."   This is after God confronts Cain after he has given God a less than satisfactory offering.  God obviously knew Cain’s heart very well, for sin was indeed lying at his door.  The next action of Cain is murdering his brother Abel.  

When we willfully choose to disobey God and have no desire to please Him, we invite sin to rule our actions.  We open our heart’s door to evil ways and are more apt to do the wrong thing.  Although we can never be perfect, when we do our best to please God and have a sincere desire to walk down paths of righteousness, it is much easier to resist temptations and do the right thing.

I am not going to sequentially go through all 164 occurrences of the word door, but before I move to the New Testament, I would like to mention two more important doors in Genesis.  In contrast, the door of faith and the door of doubt.  

First, the door of faith to which I am referring is the door on the ark that Noah spent 120 years building.  In Genesis chapter 6, God instructs Noah to build an ark so that he and his family will be spared the coming judgement upon the wickedness of humankind.  In faith, Noah spends 120 years building the ark.  Noah further obeys the Lord by gathering pairs of animals onto the ark. 

(Genesis 7:1 & 13-16) Then the Lord said to Noah, "Come into the ark, you and all your household, because I have seen that you are righteous before Me in this generation.” On the very same day Noah and Noah's sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth, and Noah's wife and the three wives of his sons with them, entered the ark-- they and every beast after its kind, all cattle after their kind, every creeping thing that creeps on the earth after its kind, and every bird after its kind, every bird of every sort. And they went into the ark to Noah, two by two, of all flesh in which is the breath of life. So those that entered, male and female of all flesh, went in as God had commanded him; and the Lord shut [the door]. 

Notice that Noah and his family are spared because God sees they are righteous.  Which correlates well to Cain's door of sin.  If we obey Jesus and shut the doors to sin in our lives, God will protect us. 

Next, notice it is God who shuts the door to the ark.  Due to Noah’s faith and obedience combined with holy living, God used His door of protection not only to spare Noah, but also to assure future generations could continue after the floods.

It is easy to see the beautiful symbolism here that Jesus is the only door we should do through that brings us to salvation. (More on this later!)

The door of doubt to which I am referring is the door Sarah stood next to as she learned she would have a child.

(Genesis 18:1-3, 9-14) Then the Lord appeared to [Abraham]... as he was sitting in the tent door in the heat of the day. So he lifted his eyes and looked, and behold, three men were standing by him; and when he saw them, he ran from the tent door to meet them, and bowed himself to the ground, and said, "My Lord, if I have now found favor in Your sight, do not pass on by Your servant.  Then they said to him, "Where is Sarah your wife?... I will certainly return to you according to the time of life, and behold, Sarah your wife shall have a son." Sarah was listening in the tent door which was behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were old, well advanced in age; and Sarah had passed the age of childbearing. Therefore, Sarah laughed within herself, saying, "After I have grown old, shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?" And the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying, 'Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old?' Is anything too hard for the Lord? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son." 

In spite of hearing the Lord Himself tell her she would have a son at the age of 90, she refused to believe.  This was not the first time she refused to believe God’s promises.  As you know, two chapters earlier she insisted Abraham marry her servant Hagar in order to supply him heirs.  She could not be convinced God was going to use her to be the mother of all nations and acted outside of God’s will.  Yet, God is gracious and forgave Sarah’s faithlessness and stubbornness.  

(Genesis 21:1-2) And the Lord visited Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah as He had spoken. For Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.  

You can read more about Sarah in my blog, "Profile of a Doubter, Part 1: Sarah"  https://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2024/02/profile-of-doubter-part-1-sarah.html

There the good news lies.  Even when we stand by our own doors of doubt and obstinately refuse to believe God’s promises, He is faithful to still do just as He says.  However, this is not to encourage you to doubt, but to believe that God is the ultimate promise keeper.   

This is all I am going to explore for the Old Testament.  Part 2 will explore the New Testament.

The Glory Has Departed, Written by my Husband

 

The Glory Has Departed, Written by my Husband (Mel)

(1 John 3:3-10) And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure. Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness.  And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin.  Whoever abides in Him does not sin. Whoever sins has neither seen Him nor known Him. Little children, let no one deceive you. He who practices righteousness is righteous, just as He is righteous.  He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil.  Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. 10 In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother.

Approximately seven years ago, the Lord spoke to me in an audible voice, he said, “Ichabod!  It bears worth repeating, Ichabod!” I asked the Lord what he meant, and he replied, “The churches are dead.” I said, “Surely you have a few that are not dead?” and he replied, “I have a few.” The word Ichabod means, the glory has departed. 

(1 Samuel 4:21) Then she named the child Ichabod, saying, “The glory has departed...” 

God’s Word teaches that before the coming of the Lord there will be a great falling away (apostasy).  The modern church will not endure sound doctrine because they desire to be men pleasers, rather than God pleasers. Therefore, God has given them over to believe the lie, because they desire darkness rather than light. The apostasy is the sinful bondages within the lives of believers, as well as the lukewarm grace message that empowers their sin. I have had many dreams, visions, as well as, words concerning sin in the life of believers, and this is God’s number one concern. I understand that many people don’t like my teachings on holiness, but this issue is more important to God than end time preparation or anything else.

A number of years ago, the Lord showed me the church as an unfaithful bride, and he said, “divorce”. The Lord made it very clear that sinful bondages that are not repented of, will lead to spiritual death (divorce). Last week, the Lord spoke to me in an audible voice and said, “I am warning my children to get out!” This word was followed by a dream. I dreamed that I was in a convenience store and that nothing worked right, the gas pumps, food machines, as well as, everything else within the store was malfunctioning. I then noticed that the lid was off the drink machine, and it was almost empty, there were also three, half eaten bags of Fritos in the drink. I said, “This is nasty,” I then removed the drink machine and put it in the trash outdoors. Then an older man walked into the store, and he said that nothing worked right. The angel of the Lord then answered him and said, “The authorities are on their way.” 

God is warning his children to come out of the apostate churches and into a real relationship with him. The Lord refers to the harlot church system of the end times as Babylon. Babylon is a term that refers to wickedness. 

(Revelation 18:4-5) And I heard another voice from heaven saying, “Come out of her, my people, lest you share in her sins, and lest you receive of her plagues. For her sins have reached to heaven, and God has remembered her iniquities.   

The convenience store in my dream was symbolic of the churches who are serving up spiritual junk food. The almost empty drink machine, with three half eaten, bags of Fritos in it, is the grace doctrine taught by most churches. The gas pumps that do not work, are symbolic of an unholy spirit, who has replaced God’s Holy Spirit in most churches.

Grace is a free gift from God, but God’s Word also states that we must be truly born again, in order to be saved. It is true, that God blots out all of our sins, when we truly repent and turn from them. Yet, we must become a new creation in Christ, by allowing God’s Holy Spirit to do his perfect work of sanctification (set us apart from the sinful world) in us. No one is perfect by any means, but we are called to pursue righteousness, as well as to live holy lives. Without holiness, no man shall see the Father. 

One of the lies of Satan being taught today is that once we say the sinner's prayer, daily repentance becomes obsolete.  This teaching is polar opposite to what the Bible teaches. In a recent dream, I was visiting a church, and everyone was covered in dirt, as well as wearing soiled garments. I pointed my finger at the congregation and said, “Woe to you Babylon! You shut people out of the kingdom of Heaven!” The shepherds are failing to teach their flocks to get sin out of their lives and the result is that they are shutting people out of the kingdom of Heaven.

The Lord has also given me visions of Christians wearing tattered clothes, covered with spots and wrinkles. God’s Word is clear, that the Lord is returning for a bride, without spot, or wrinkle. I believe that the Great tribulation, will not only be a time of judgment upon the unsaved, but also a time of purification for true believers. Persecution and hardship will cause people to get off the fence and truly surrender every area of their lives to the Lord. The tribulation will produce a church clothed in garments of holiness.

There are also many counterfeit revivals going on, where God’s Holy Spirit has been replaced by demonic manifestations. People are laughing uncontrollably, as well as making all different animal sounds. They are hissing like snakes, mooing like cows, roaring like lions, howling like wolves, as well as barking like dogs. In a congregation in Boston, the pastor crawled on his hands and knees like a dog, barking, and his wife led him around on a leash fastened to a dog collar around his neck. The wife then said, “Where he leads I will follow!” In some, so-called Christian rock concerts, many of the young people are going into trances, where they display tribal dancing. These are but a few of the demonic manifestations going on worldwide. 

The late pastor David Wilkerson warned the church about this invasion of demonic activity, as well as the need to return to holiness preaching, but most will not listen.  It is time for the church to start using discernment and realize that something has gone wrong. God is withdrawing his Spirit from many churches, because they will not endure sound doctrine. If the churches will return to teaching holiness once again, then maybe God’s Spirit will return!! 

(1 Timothy 4:4)  Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;  Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron

(Matthew 7: 21) “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.  Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’  And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’

Is the abundance of your heart dark and crooked?

 

Is the abundance of your heart dark and crooked?

Many people believe their thoughts do not matter.  As long as they say and do all the right things, then they can be as rotten as they want to be in their own private thoughts.  As we are judged by our works, please make no mistake that our thoughts are very much considered as part of our works.

(1 Peter 1:16-17) It is written, "Be holy, And if you call on the Father, who without partiality judges according to each one's work, conduct yourselves throughout the time of your stay here in fear.

(Ezekiel 11:5) And the Spirit of the Lord fell upon me, and said unto me, "Speak; 'Thus saith the Lord... for I know the things that come into your mind, EVERY ONE of them.'" 

In the eyes of God, fantasizing about a sinful act such as sex to one to whom you are not married, pedophilia, rape, stealing, murder, etc., is just as sinful as the act itself.  True, no one else gets hurt if you refuse to act on your harmful fantasies, but your soul is still in danger.  Don't agree? Then please read on to see what the Bible says on this matter.

One of the seven abominations of God listed in Proverbs 6 states that God hates in(Proverbs 6:18, "A heart that deviseth wicked imaginations."  Notice that one does not even have to carry out wicked plans but just dreaming them up is an abomination to God.  The Lord knows all your thoughts and if you are considering harming someone or breaking the law, you will be held accountable for your thoughts.  Proverbs 23:7 says, "as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." Pause and think about that for a moment.  Are you a sexual predator, adulterer, racist, murderer, and/or basically an imitation-Christian, not truly following the laws of Jesus Christ?

 

Matthew 5:28 says we commit adultery just by thinking about having sex with someone not our spouse.  It reminds us how important our thoughts are: "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."  In other words, you do not have to participate in a physical affair to be considered an unfaithful spouse.  In the Lord’s eyes, lusting after someone else (this goes beyond simple attraction, but evolves into impure thoughts), is a sin.  

 

As I thought of writing this blog, I have to admit I was convicted as I contemplated Matthew 12:34 (see below).  What is the abundance of my heart?  How often would I be dealing with a customer at work and be super polite and kind, but in my thoughts, I would be calling the person annoying or even stupid.  Yes, it is always important to treat others with respect, but if our thoughts are cruel, God knows.  And trust me, one can wear a mask for only so long before the real truth of their poor attitude seeps through.  It’s why Jesus so often preached to the Pharisees about their hypocritical lives.  If the abundance of your heart is dark and crooked, your speech is sure to be as well.  No one is capable of being phony 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  Chances are, someone in your life knows the real you.  And if you really are that good of an actor that you fool everyone all the time, you can never fool God who knows you more intimately than even you know yourself. 

 

(Matthew 12:25,33-37) But Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand. "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or else make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Brood of vipers! How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things, and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."  

 

When I pray, one thing I ask is that my cup be clean on the inside as well as the outside.  I do not want to be an outside-only Christian.  I want my private thoughts toward others to match my outward smile.  When people say I am being gracious, I want it to be the truth.  I want to do more than appear polite when inwardly I am biting my tongue because I want to lash out in anger toward someone or spout off with an acerbic reply.  Instead, I want my heart to bear as much fruit as my actions.  When angry or annoyed, I want to stop and see the offender through the eyes of Christ and abandon my ego in the dump with the garbage. 

 

(Luke 11:38-42) When the Pharisee saw it, he marveled that He had not first washed before dinner. Then the Lord said to him, "Now you Pharisees make the outside of the cup and dish clean, but your inward part is full of greed and wickedness. Foolish ones! Did not He who made the outside make the inside also? But rather give alms of such things as you have; then indeed all things are clean to you. But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and all manner of herbs, and pass by justice and the love of God. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone.   

The Lord sees and knows all our hearts.  The entire chapter of Mark 7 is excellent (as are all the words of Jesus Christ), but I want to remind us of just a few verses:

(Mark 7:6-7) He answered and said to them, "Well did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written: 'This people honors Me with their lips, But their heart is far from Me. And in vain they worship Me.  

 

It does not matter how many scriptures you memorize, how much you give to charity, if you call yourself a witness for Christ, or how loudly you sing in front of others, if you are actively living in rebellion of all Jesus asks of you, your "heart is far from" God and He is fully aware of this.  If you are not living the Bible you proclaim, you are just as the hypocrites mentioned in Luke 11 above as well as Luke 12 below. 

 

(Luke 12:1-3) In the meantime, when an innumerable multitude of people had gathered together, so that they trampled one another, He began to say to His disciples first of all, "Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, nor hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have spoken in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have spoken in the ear in inner rooms will be proclaimed on the housetops.” 

2 Corinthians 10:5 sums this topic up beautifully, "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." 

Remember that song, "Be careful little mind what you think? For the Father up above is looking down in love."  Well, sing that to yourself every time you are devising wicked thoughts. Repent, and ask the Holy Spirit to help you learn to take captive your thoughts and change your thought patterns so that you are pleasing God, not man or yourself!  When you feel tempted to think of something sexually harmful, or violent (etc.) immediately replace those thoughts with Bible verses or a praise song.  You do not have to have anything memorized, just in general or simply pray to God and tell Him you love Him and praise Him for His mercy to forgive you every single time you repent.

Bottom line, Jesus knows our every thought, even when we put on a false front to others.  Even if one spends his whole life successfully fooling others into thinking He is serving the Lord while addicted to pornography (which yes, as mentioned above, is the same as adultery and when viewing those under 18, pedophilia), stealing from others, backbiting, gossiping, etc., when he stands before the Lord on judgment day, all will be revealed.

 

(Matthew 16:24-27) Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works.  

 

(2 Corinthians 11:13-15) For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into apostles of Christ. And no wonder! For Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also transform themselves into ministers of righteousness, whose end will be according to their works.  

 

(Revelation 20:11-15) Then I saw a great white throne and Him who sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away. And there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books. The sea gave up the dead who were in it, and Death and Hades delivered up the dead who were in them. And they were judged, each one according to his works. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire. 

The Truth About Affairs

 

The Truth About Affairs

Of all the blogs I have written over the past 12 years or so, this is my most viewed post.  

Originally written in 2013 (with a few new edits). 

I ran into an old friend last week.  We had always suspected a certain man and woman were having an affair but weren't positive.  She told me she had recently caught the two of them together in a near-kiss.  She said things between them were so out of hand that even clients were making comments.  I asked her if he was still married, and she said he was.  This affair has been going for a minimum of 2 years (probably closer to 3). I have felt disturbed in my soul ever since.  It was pretty obvious several years ago that these two people were getting close to an affair.  They flirted constantly and were less and less subtle about sharing sexual innuendos back and forth.  

Exodus 20:14 states, “You shall not commit adultery."  Could it be any clearer?   

My post is not about anyone specific, but to show how flirting is rarely harmless and often leads to much more dangerous territory.  So please be aware of how you act around the opposite sex.  Are you simply friendly or are you outright flirting?  Ask others if you are unsure.  The dictionary definition of flirting is: "to act amorously; play at love; to trifle or toy, as with an idea."  Something to consider.  Says right there that it's toying with an idea, such as toying with the idea of an affair.

You may say you are just having fun and not plotting an affair, but why are you even flirting if you are married?  Just for the attention?  Isn't that vanity?

Affairs aren't always planned; they happen over time as affections grow and are not quashed.  It is when one refuses to repent to God for their thoughts and ask the Holy Spirit to help them be loyal to only their spouse. 

In the seven things listed that God hates, one of them is: "An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations" (Proverbs 6:18) Notice that one does not even have to carry out wicked plans but just dreaming them up is an abomination to God.  The Lord knows all your thoughts and if you are considering cheating, you will be held accountable for your thoughts.  Yes, fantasizing is cheating.   Matthew 5:28 says we commit adultery just by thinking about having sex with someone not our spouse.  Proverbs 23:7 says that we are what we think.  The Bible also says that whatever we sow in our hearts we will reap in our actions.  Remember that song, "Be careful little mind what you think? For the Father up above is looking down in love."  Well, sing that to yourself every time you are devising wicked thoughts. Repent, and change your thought process!

(For more on the seven abominations you can read my post here: https://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2025/07/proverbs-616-19-seven-abominations.html 

There are a lot of verses in the book of Proverbs warning against affairs, here is just one passage (this can be applied to both men and women):

(Proverbs 6:24-29 & 32-33) To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman. Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids. For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adultress will hunt for the precious life.

Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?

So he that goeth in to his neighbour's wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent. Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul. A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away.

In spite of what Hollywood and ungodly novels teach society, affairs are NOT glamorous, sexy, exciting, fun, funny, or romantic.  They are raunchy, soul-destroying, family-ruining, nasty, evil things.

I have known too many people who have had affairs, and I have heard far too many excuses.  The most common are: mid-life crisis, I was hurt as a child, he/she cheated on me first, he/she is too controlling, I have a deeper desire for sex than he/she does, I no longer desire him/her, I want to teach him/her a lesson, men in the bible were allowed to have more than one wife, it makes me feel sexy, or just because I want to.  There is no such thing as a good excuse because there is never any good reason to have an affair.  All of these issues are fixable if you are willing to do the work.  There is no shame in seeking professional help.  And if you truly love your spouse, you'll risk the awkwardness of talking to your spouse, a spiritual mentor, and/or psychologist in order to save your marriage before an affair happens.  Afterwards it may be too late.

If you truly love your spouse as I so crazily love mine, you will never even dream of cheating.  The idea would make you want to vomit.  Which is why the conversation I had last week has been bothering me so much.  Affairs make me sick!  Bottom line to me is that if you are willing to cheat, you don't truly love your spouse.  In my opinion, those who cheat are clearly showing they are not in love with their mate.  But that is still no excuse to dishonor your wedding vows.  After all, you chose to get married.

Keep this in mid too: if you choose to be the one cheating with a married person, he does not love you.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.  Even if the person leaves their spouse for you, statistics say they will not be faithful to you either.  If he's willing to trade his wife in for a younger model, he'll most likely trade you in as well.

As stated above, affairs are not only physical, but they can also be mental and emotional. They may not seem as dangerous but have great potential to lead down darker paths.  Chatting too much with someone other than your spouse online or through texts is still cheating.  I feel this needs repeating: affairs happen in the mind as well.  

(Matthew 5:28) [Jesus said), "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Affairs ruin more than marriages, they destroy families.  I've it seen over and over again: a once bright and sunny child becomes sullen and possibly even a troublemaker after such an event. It makes them see everyone around them as untrustworthy.  Children are affected no matter what age they are when they learn of a parent's infidelity.  I've known adults whose parents got divorced due to an affair (or two), and it deeply wounded them to their very souls.  

If you are in the middle of an affair, stop!  Seek help immediately.  You may or may not be able to save your marriage, but if you repent, you will save your soul.

Whether you are married or single, if you are ever tempted to have an affair, please remember this: what Corinthians 10:13 says, " No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."  

The Holy Spirit will always give you the strength to walk away if you obey His voice.  There is always a way out and the opportunity to say no and walk away.  There are no excuses.  Period.   

If you are seeking more martial advice, please check out my other blog, "The ABCs of a Joyful Marriage: https://abcsofajoyfulmarriage.blogspot.com/  

Here are some 3 writings from that blog site related to affairs:

Expectations & Eye Candy: https://abcsofajoyfulmarriage.blogspot.com/2025/03/week-10-expectations-eye-candy.html

 

Faithful & First: https://abcsofajoyfulmarriage.blogspot.com/2025/03/week-11-faithful-first.html

Love & Loyalty: https://abcsofajoyfulmarriage.blogspot.com/2025/06/week-24-love-loyalty.html

My Testimony, Part 6: 2022-Present

 My Testimony, Part 6: 2022-Present

The meme I am including in this blog is an obvious spoiler of what I am going to write about next.

In March 2023 I was experiencing similar symptoms to what I had gone through in 2019 (see part 4 of My Testimony) when it was discovered I had a tumor in my right ovary.  The big difference in 2023 was that I had been in menopause for approximately two years and should not have been bleeding at all.  The bleeding was so severe, I almost bled to death as my skin turned gray and I became very dizzy.  

In the ER they performed an ultrasound and released me with a diagnosis of an uneven lining in my uterus. It was not until I went online to see my medical report that I read, "highly suspect endometrial adenocarcinoma."  I think we all know that means cancer.  I was shocked and also angry that no one in the ER told me what had been discovered.  

I had been referred to a gynecologist for the uneven lining, but by the time I finally got the appointment, I already knew part of what the report had stated.  What I did not know was that I had two tumors in my abdomen, the other was on my remaining left ovary.  

I remembered that when I had the first tumor in 2019 that the doctor told me she was sure it was not cancer and not to worry.  Yet this doctor would only say, "Let's see what the biopsy says," and that he would not remove the endometrial tumor until the report from the ovarian tumor came back.  Those were 2 huge red flags to me, and I was quite worried.

My husband had been dealing with his own medical issues of severe sciatic pain at the time and had not been able to come with me to the ER or the follow-up.  Therefore, and I absolutely do not recommend doing so, I never told him there was a suspicion if cancer as I did not what to stress him out.  I downplayed it all to spare him the trauma.  Therefore, I went through all my own emotional struggles alone.  Well, no, NEVER alone, God became my rock more than ever before.

On April 27, 2o23 I had the same surgery as in 2019, but now on the left side.  Tumor, left ovary, and fallopian tube were all removed, as well as a sample taken from the second tumor.

It wasn't until I was in the recovery room after the surgery that my husband now knew that cancer was likely.  The very excellent surgeon told my husband what was going on (not knowing Mel had not been in the loop at this point) by saying he was almost certain what he saw was cancer.  I feel pretty bad now that my precious husband found out that way and not from me.  I know he was in shock.  I have since repented to both my husband and to God for having kept such an important secret and never will again.

Several days later I again discovered my diagnosis by reading it online.  Confirmed before me in black and white what that I indeed had a cancerous tumor in my uterus.  This time I told Mel.  We cried, hugged, and most importantly, we prayed. I didn't know until I saw the oncologist that would perform the next surgery that the ovarian tumor was also cancerous as the on-line report had not mentioned it. I had two cancerous tumors at once?  Yet another emotional knockout blow.     

On June 7, 2023, I had a complete abdominal hysterectomy, lymph node dissection, and had my omentum removed (layer of tissue that covers abdominal organs).  I spent 5 days in the hospital.  I should have been there longer, but I was impatient to go home, so I talked them into releasing me earlier.  Not a good idea, I should have stayed the full week to 10 days, as the pain was very intense and I refused to take any addictive narcotics once I was released from the hospital (even in the hospital I insisted on the mildest form of narcotic they could give).  I was a very long recovery process both physically and mentally.

If you have ever read or been verbally given a cancer diagnosis, then you know how I felt.  If not, I do not think I can really describe what that does to your emotions, and truly still does today as I still have nightmares about my cancer returning (even last night).  Especially considering I lost my dear dad to cancer in 2022.  Oh, how I wished he had been there to talk to during my struggles, but I praise God He is free and whole with Jesus now.   

Just as I had in 2019 while I waited to see if my first tumor had been cancer or not, I had determined that no matter the outcome, God was in control, and he would take care of me and my husband.  I had even more fear than I had before since I now knew this was indeed cancer and I was only waiting to know what stage it was and whether or I would have to endure chemotherapy.  But overall, I was at peace.   

I also praise God the tumors were diagnosed as synchronous ovarian and endometrial cancers, which means they were supposedly independent of each other, and both were considered to be stage 1.  I should see this as a miracle that this rarity was my case, yet I do often worry this was a misdiagnosis as only 2 to 17% if multiple cancers are synchronous.  Whenever I stress about this, I first realize I cannot exactly go backwards and insist on another test or that I now go through chemo, and then God reminds me to trust Him and just praise Him that I am currently doing okay.  Whether I will ever have a recurrence or a secondary cancer only God knows, and I will continue to praise Him not matter what my future holds.     

I also often wonder why me.  But not why did I have cancer as I do not expect to be exempt from the pains of this life. No, I wonder why I was spared a higher stage of cancer.  My dad suffered through chemo and horrible symptoms at the end of his life.  Others I know have had chemo and/or radiation as well as many I do not know.  So why was I spared?  Giod asks me, "Why ask why?"  Just praise Him and continue being a faithful servant to my Savior in good times and bad.  So by God's grace, that is exactly what I will do.  

Let me pause and take a deep breath.  Okay, now moving forward past the cancer.

Back to the previous blog (part 5), where I wrote about my non-diagnosis of neurological symptoms.  I have not improved and have pursed a second opinion from two different neurologists.  

Since moving to Washington state in 2019, I have been seen by some wonderful providers that have been kind and genuinely cared about what I was going through.  The best of the best were from the oncology staff working for Providence Cancer Systems.  However, I have also faced the exact opposite side of the coin in dealing with some of the rudest and coldest medical personnel that have tested the Fruits of the Spirit in me, and, sorry to say, I did not always pass those tests.  Counting the first doctor mentioned in part 5, the three neurologists I have seen, have been so outrageously cruel that it has only been by the power of the Holy Spirit that I have been able to forgive them. I will not waste your time or mine writing about how awful they were, only to say I still do not have any more answers to why I have lesions in my brain, or why I experience so many other symptoms that make day to day life difficult.

My primary care doctor, however, did order x-rays earlier this year and I was diagnosed by a radiologist as having severe spinal facet joint diseases and lumbar scoliosis.  While I appreciate a partial diagnosis, they do not explain all of my symptoms.  I have not seen any more specialists and instead I have been told by both the kind and not so kind doctors that they do not fully know what is wrong with me and/or there is nothing they can do to help me as no treatments will make a real difference.  

(You can read a recent poem I wrote after another doctor told me there was no cure my condition here - it is the one titled "No Cure?" https://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2025/08/no-cure-why-write-poem-things-i-will.html 

Frustrating? Yes! Discouraging?  Absolutely!  But will I lose my faith over it?  Never! My struggles are physical, but not spiritual.  Like Job, I will trust God no matter what.  I know God is loving, kind, and good, and the medical issues I face are the results of a fallen world.  Someday I will be made whole and free in Heaven, and all these struggles will be forgotten.  As the song says, "But until then my heart will go on singing / Until then with joy let's carry on / Until the day my eyes behold that city / Until the day God calls me home." (Songwriter: Stuart Hamblen) (You can see my favorite singer, Vestal Goodman, singing that song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7KN6kqsPzE&list=RDR7KN6kqsPzE&start_radio=1 )

 (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

My Testimony, Part 5: 2020-2022

My Testimony, Part 5: 2020-2022

The obvious thing to point out here is that as long as I draw breath, there will always be more to add to my story.  I figured maybe every 10 years or so but did not expect to have so much to update in half that time. So much so in just 5 years that it will have to be split into 2 more parts (one more post after this one).

Let me pick up where I left off.  At that time, while working for a kind woman who ran a cat boarding facility I began was experiencing some troubling symptoms causing weakness in my body.  I had my first MRI where brain lesions had been discovered and was scheduled to have more MRIs.

Without going through my medical records, I cannot tell you the exact dates of all 6 MRIs I experienced between 2019-2022.  What I can tell you is that, if you have never experienced one, pray you never have to.  This is how I describe a character in one of my novels feels as she is going through an MRI: "The supposed noise-canceling headphones playing her choice of worship music did nothing to drown out the clangs, clicks, bangs, thumps, thunders, and smashing sounds surrounding her as if she was inside a never-ending plane crash."  And by the time it is over, I am dizzy, shaking, and have a pounding headache.

On top of the MRIs, I have also had countless CT scans, X-rays, more bloodwork done than I can recall, and two electromyography's. The Mayo Clinic describe an electromyography as "a diagnostic procedure to assess the health of muscles and the nerve cells that control them (motor neurons) ... a needle electrode inserted directly into a muscle records the electrical activity in that muscle."  I describe it as a horrible test where you feel as if you are being simultaneously stabbed and electrocuted. And, yes, I had had to endure it twice! You would think all those tests in 3 years I would have a clear-cut picture of what is wrong with me.  A diagnosis in black and white.  A treatment plan and medications to help me improve.  If that's what you think, you would be wrong. 

The initial neurologist I saw in 2019 that I mentioned in part 4 that declared I have a "demyelination disorder that very well may be Multiple Sclerosis" later backtracked and changed his diagnosis.  I have absolutely no idea why.  All I know is that when I saw him last in February of 2022, he suddenly declared that he could not figure out what was wrong with me and therefore could not help me; he released me from his care.  I will not say he had failed when he tried helping me at first.  Yet, after all the above-mentioned tests, he was still not convinced my disorder was MS.  In January 2022, he finally ordered a lumbar puncture to help him make up his mind once and for all.  

Not sure which is worse, a head-splitting MRI, an electric shock test, or having a needle jammed into your spine during a lumbar puncture (spinal tap).  I was not supposed to feel any needle except the one they used to numb my spine.  However, I felt every single time the 4-inch needle stabbed me in the back.  I am not certain how many times I was jabbed, only that it was extremely painful and I was trying very hard not to let the staff know I felt it because I wanted this test done once and for all.  I needed proof that I had MS!  However, on top of feeling the painful stabs, my legs both began to jerk, and my left arm began to tremor. The procedure was terminated because the doctor was afraid he would cause me harm.  No spinal fluid was collected, and therefore, no diagnosis would be possible.  

Not only did I experience a lot of pain before and after the failed procedure, I also had a lot of confusion.  Not just from me but from the neurologist, the doctor who performed the lumbar puncture, and even the nurses at the procedure. Apparently, what happened was extremely rare, and no one seemed to know what to do next.  It was after this that the neurologist washed his hands of me and said he no longer wanted me as a patient. 

My hopes of finally having answers to my worsening condition were dashed, and worse yet, I was forced to quit the job I so loved because my body was so severely rebelling against me, I could no longer be on my feet for more than 30 minutes at the most. 

Yet even much worse than the physical pain and weakness and saying goodbye to a boss and cats I loved to work with, I lost one of my dearest friends in this world.  The only one I loved more than that person was my husband.  On January 23, 2022, my precious dad, Otto, lost his very brutal battle with multiple myeloma (blood cancer) and went home to be with Jesus.  We were very close, and I miss him so much still today.

You can read the 2 poems I wrote after his death here: https://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2025/05/daddys-girls-hallelujah-poems.html

Hopes for treatment for an unnamed condition, loss of a beloved job, and severely grieving my father all in the same month.  But my dad gave me a great gift.   

Neither of my parents were perfect by any means, but I grew up with a strong foundation of faith. Thanks to my dad's great example of spiritual leadership, I was able to build on my spiritual knowledge and learn on my own all the Bible says. I thank God my dad taught me to have a personal walk with Jesus and not just rely on my what my parents taught me.

Also, they say women marry men similar to their fathers (and men marry women similar to their mothers) because, for good or bad, it is a personality they are comfortable with. I praise God I had a healthy relationship with my dad because it was the foundation for choosing a Godly husband who also challenges me spiritually as we grow in the knowledge of God together.     

In spite of all the physical and mental challenges during the years, I have managed to keep my faith in God strong.

But my battles were not over.

(Romans 5:1-5) Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.