When it is Difficult to Praise the Lord

I originally wrote this blog in February 2016, and share it again today with a heavy heart.  I am having a very sad day today as I was forced to resign from my job due to increasing physical limitations. I am broken hearted as I loved my job and my boss has become like family to me.  I struggle today with feelings of confusion toward God and as I wrote about in my last blog, I am again trying to focus on I Corinthians 13:12. Thig blog is absolutely for me today as well as for anyone who chooses to read it.  I  pray it ministers to you as it has to me. 

This was originally titled "When we Don't Know how to Praise," but I changed the title to reflect more on what many if us feel daily.

When it is Difficult to Praise the Lord

If you do a search on the word "praise" on Bible Gateway https://www.biblegateway.com/ , you will get 277 results.  In other words, there is a lot to be said on the subject of praise.  I am sure there are too many articles out there to even count on the subject of praise, and I will probably not say anything original, but this is the subject on my heart.  Strangely, with all those verses at my fingertips, I am only going to use one bible verse this time. 
 
Today I am not writing about just praying at the start or end of the day to thank God for all He has done, I want to address praising God with more than a quick prayer.  More specifically, I am going to write about how to praise when you really don't know what to say.
 
My husband and I do our best to take the time to pray together once a day (which is essential for marriage), but I still believe we need to have individual alone time with Christ.  If there is one area I am lacking in my Christian walk (I know I am flawed in many ways), it is in the area of prayer and praise.  When I say my prayers I thank God for the day, my husband, our cats, our home, and ultimately for His love.  I also ask for blessings & healings for my family members. Seems a bit lacking, doesn't it?  So this blog is just as much for me as it is for you.  
 
If you are a regular reader of my blog, then you know that I went through a crisis of faith beginning October 2014.  I don't want to spend a lot of time on that subject, so I will just say I was confused and angry with God and it took a long time for me to be able to talk to Him again.  I started off simple by just saying, "thank you." 
 
It is okay if we do not know what to say as God knows our hearts.  If all you can say is "thank you," then at least you are acknowledging the good that God has done.  That is an excellent place to start.

I have always loved these verses:

Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. Romans 8:26-27

This is basically saying that we do not even have to have the words to speak to Christ because He knows what is in our hearts and what is best for us.  Jesus intercedes for us before His Father.  And better yet, Jesus prays for us "according to the will of God."  That humbles me and makes my eyes fill with tears.

Because God never promised a perfect life, you will come to a place in your life when you don't know what to say to God and you may be feeling confused.  But your heart still aches for communion with Christ, and that is the good news.  Do not ignore those instincts and let Satan discourage you.  He would love it if you gave into your negativity, stayed angry, and ignored God altogether.  It is always a good time to worship, but when you are lowest can be best time to praise. 

If all you can say is one word, let me suggest, "Jesus."  There is Power in the name of Jesus.  Calling on the name of Jesus brings healing.  If you allow Christ to work in your life, you will begin to find peace.  You may never understand why bad things happen other than the fact we live in a fallen world and we all have a free will.  https://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2019/08/now-is-day-of-salvation.html  But you can find joy and comfort in just knowing how much Jesus loves you!  That alone can often get you through the dark times in your life. 

When you choose to take the time to praise, do not focus on your circumstances because you run the risk ok wallowing in self pity.  Your purpose for taking time out to praise God is to focus on Him.  I absolutely recommend praying with God and expressing your feelings.  Just as good communication is essential to a healthy marriage, the same goes with your relationship with Christ.  However, I am now referring to praise time.  A time of letting go and leaving the land of ego behind.  Your praise time should be one of humility and reverence.

If you are having difficulty finding the time, do not let praise feel like an obligation looming over your head.  Praise is a privilege and should feel like it.  If you only have five minutes a week or even a month, then make those five minutes the best you can give to God.  If you have a bad attitude about giving your time, then try again later.  It is true that praise can change your bad mood, but trying to force praise with a sour attitude is offering up garbage to the Holy of Holies!   

Once again, if you do not know how to praise, that is fine.  You don't have to know the exact words or have a good voice, just make a joyful noise unto the Lord!  You could simply start of singing songs you remember from church.  If you have a physical disability that makes it difficult to sing (I have been in that place), then you can just close your eyes and listen.  You Tube is a great source for free worship music.  I hesitate recommending a specific artist as many are not truly serving the Lord, so I will leave that up to your spiritual discernment.

There are some people that consider dancing before the Lord as praise (as David did in the bible).  I would use extreme caution in this area.  I have seen some beautiful movements done to praise music, however, this form of praise is quite often abused and done in a show-offy and/or worldly way (and, sadly, even in a sensual way).  Churches often use their so-called worship services to promote themselves, and there is no awe or respect for God in the music and especially not in the dance.  Don't be fooled into thinking there is anything holy about the "Holy Ghost Hop." 

When worship becomes an act if exhibition or becomes about simply enjoying the worldly beat, then your heart is not in the right place.  True praise and worship is only about glorifying Christ.  When you worship at home, your motives are most likely pure.  When praising God at church, be sure you are not raising your hands just to look holy or because it is expected of you.  Others may not know the difference, but God knows. 

 

Praise time does not always have to be on your knees, but I do recommend it at least once a month (or more) because it is an act of submission and humility and it literally makes you feel God's presence that much more.  Again, a phyical disability can make it difficuklt to kneel (been there as well).  With that said, praise is just as effective sitting or standing while watching or listening to praise music anywhere in your home.  It is best to focus on the praise, and therefore ultimately on God alone, but even praising God while driving is sure to put you in a better frame of mind.

And actually, praise does not have to involve music, I guess that's just my own idea of praise.  I am a music lover and I feel closest to God when I am singing to Him or even playing my trumpet.  I am now correcting myself by saying I was not going to talk about praying, because praying is absolutely an act of praise.  Simply talking to Jesus and telling Him how much you love Him and thanking Him, not for material things, but just for loving you is definitely praise.  Praying scripture is praise.  The only time I would dispute that praying is not praise is when we are asking for anything. 

My Testimony: 2014-2020

After reading what I had previously written for my testimony in 2014, I realized how much has changed since then.  To begin with, I have changed and matured spiritually. Let me go back 4 years, 4 months.

Sorry for the not-so-good artwork from my journaling Bible, but I like the unprofessional interpretation of my favorite verse better than the fancy memes out there. I'm not saying that to be arrogant, but simply because it is my perception of what that verse means. I have relied on that verse quite a bit since October 1, 2014.  That was the day we lost our home to foreclosure.  People judge one who has lost a home, but until you have been through it, consider exchanging your criticisms for compassion.  It is one of the reasons I now have so much compassion for the homeless; losing a house can happen to anyone of us.  I will not go into why we lost our home, but it was the worst time in my life.  Not because I lost a house, but because I lost 4 of my precious dogs.  I had to find them all new homes separated from us and from each other.  That hurt me worse than anything ever has.  I went through a period of about 6 months where I was so angry with God that I could not even pray.  When I began releasing my bitterness and letting the Lord's gentle love warm my heart again, I started merely saying, "Thank You," to Him for even the small things until I was able to slowly revive my relationship with the Lord.  

Although I no longer blame the Lord for the bad things that happen in life, the loss of those dear dogs still hurts me today.  I will never understand why this happened, so you can see why I rely so heavily on I Corinthians 13:12. I am thankful, however, that we were able to keep the 9 cats we had and never spent one day homeless.  Through miraculous circumstances, we were able to get into a rental 3 days before we were due to be homeless.  And I truly mean "miraculous." We found a rental 2 hours north from where we had lived.  God led us to a house we did not even know was available until we were desperately looking at a hotel in the area we thought we would have to move into.  We just happened to decide to go to the lake while in Cascade, and drove by a house with a rental sign outside and called the number out of mere desperation.  We did not think we could afford any rent  or a huge deposit (with 9 cats, you can understand why it almost $1,000) with our small budget.  This is another long story I won't go into, but God opened the door to that house where we rented until April of last year.  Throughout our time in Cascade, we continually had people ask how we managed to obtain a rental home in an area where rentals were nearly impossible to find.  The answer was always easy, "God made a way." Even non-believers agreed it was a miracle.

The majority of our time in Cascade was uneventful.  Jobs were just as hard to come by in the town of less than 1,000 people as homes, but in September 2015 I finally got a job working in the cafeteria at the local school.  This was also the same month the Lord began dealing with my husband on the issue of television.  God lovingly helped us both to see that Christians should not allow themselves to be exposed to such filth if they truly want to live lives pleasing and acceptable unto the Lord (see I Corinthians 6:14-7:1, Romans 12:1-2, & I Peter 1:15-17).  Without much thought to clinging to the world, we got rid of our television shortly after I began my job as a kitchen assistant.  (If you have any question in whether or not television is acceptable for a Christian, please listen to this very powerful message by David Wilkerson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4Fn0yMSwQc&t=11s .)

Giving up all television and movies was one of the best moves I have ever made in my spiritual walk.  Do I still struggle with wanting to see the latest Star Trek or super hero movie? Sure, but I love purity and the things of the Lord far, far more than the filthy things of the world!  

In January 2016 I was walking on the sidewalk outside work and took a flight through the air on the ice and landed flat on my rear end.  Remember the car accident I mentioned in 1995?  Well, two back injuries piled on top of one another, even 21 years apart, was very bad news.  A month after the fall on the ice, my back became so painful that I could no longer handle a job on my feet, and was forced to resign. Again, I relied on I Corinthians 13:12.  I do not believe God made me fall on the ice, Jeremiah 29:11 says that God does not intend bad things for me, but I do believe He was (and still is) in control of that injury.   

Other than a few short job stints here and there, I did not work much while we lived in Cascade, but I do not want to get into my job history during that time as it is not really important.  Until November 2018, life in Cascade was pretty uneventful.  Then, right before Thanksgiving of that year, I was having such serious abdominal pain and such heavy menstrual bleeding I asked Mel to take me to the emergency room.  The doctor ordered a CT scan and it was discovered I had a golf ball-sized tumor on my right ovary.  Until January 25, 2019, I lived in fear of ovarian cancer.  I knew, however, that no matter the outcome, God was in control and he would take care of me and my husband.  I had some fear, yes, but overall, I was at peace.  Around a week after having the tumor, right ovary and fallopian tube removed, I learned I did not have cancer. Praise God!  

Let me go backward a little bit now.  Mel and I have felt a calling to move to the coast of either Oregon or Washington since about 2013 (about a year after we were married).  In September 2018, we used the money I made working for Idaho Parks and Recreation (a wonderful job, by the way), and applied for a home loan so we could pursue our dream and follow God's calling.  On April 15, 2019, God blessed us with our current home, roughly 30 minutes from the Pacific Ocean!  We fully believe that God has brought us here for the next phase in our ministry.  Currently our dream is to start a small holiness church or bible study group.  Oh, and God restored part of our canine family in the form of a 6 year-old dog we adopted from a shelter!  

Our future looks brighter all the time, but I have one more dramatic scene to add to this current chapter of my testimony.  Again, I will not go into all the details, but I have been struggling with symptoms of an unknown illness since at least spring 2016.  I did not link all my symptoms together until around December 2019.  The bottom line is that I have been diagnosed with a demyelination disorder that very well may be multiple sclerosis (I struggle with my hands even now as I type this.). I have an MRI scheduled in 2 weeks to get further answers.  Just as when I was facing a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, I know that whatever the outcome, God is in control, and I will be okay. Not only do I have my wonderful Heavenly Father by my side, but God has also blessed me with an amazingly supportive and loving husband. Thank you God, for the gift of Mel! 

One more thing to add: when I saw the neurologist, he recognized the name of my current boss because her daughter also happens to have MS.  She has undergone treatment that seems to be tremendously helping her.  The doctor said something like this to Mel and me, "If you do happened to have MS, I will believe in a Higher Power and that He brought you and your boss' daughter together for a reason." Can I get a big, "Amen" on that?  I fully agree.  In fact, if my suffering brings God glory when an unsaved neurologist acknowledges God's goodness, and to any other nonbelievers, it is all worth it!  Again, you can see why I Corinthians 13:12 is my favorite scripture verse.

Faith Like a Child

Note: I had planned in writing part 4 to my testimony, but I have been sick with the flu and a high fever and my brain is not functioning very well at the moment!  As soon as I am able, I will write and post the rest of my testimony.  I  the meantime, here is a short story I wrote in 2016:

Faith Like a Child

It was going to be a long winter.  Today was December 15th, and not technically winter, but as long as there was snow on the ground, Amelia considered it as so. 

She pulled the sixteen year-old Honda Accord onto the street in front of the small ranch-style house.  It was one of those homes where no one could agree on the color.  Some called it peach, others orange, and the wise said peachy-orange.  Amelia just called it ugly.  The two bedroom, one bath rental was not decorated in the colors she would have chosen, but, then again, she did not exactly know the first thing about decorating.  These days it was mostly braided throw rugs, second hand mismatched furniture, and a smattering of children's toys scattered every where but in the children's room.

As she exited the vehicle and headed for the front door, fluffy snowflakes quickly covered her bare head.  It was not the first time she had wished for a garage.  She stopped for a moment before entering the house.  The lone sugar maple tree in the front yard was never more beautiful than when its leaves were transitioning from green to crimson, but there was something breathtaking about the way the snow hung off the empty branches, glistening in the moonlight as if it had been lit with a thousand miniature lights.

She tried not to sigh as she opened the door.  She loved her husband and two children more than her own life, but the tension she felt coming home these past three weeks was so strong, the tidal wave of negative energy nearly barreled her over the moment her feet hit the front entrance.  Ryan, her husband of seven years, had unexpectedly lost his job the Monday before Thanksgiving.  Securo, the security guard company Ryan worked for unsympathetically told him his post no longer existed.  Securo met the security needs for most of the business in their small town of 3,065 people.  Ryan had covered posts anywhere from the landfill to a car lot.  His current assignment at Smith High Schools had been his favorite.  However, the local police department finally had it in its budget to place one of their own officers on duty at the school, and Securo's services were no longer required.  Ryan had literally begged for any other post.  He had put nine years into the company, but suddenly it was if he had only been there a day.  He was dismissed with the promise of a good job reference if he needed one, and escorted out by a fellow, or make that former, co-worker.

Smith was a small tourist town with lakes full of Rainbow Trout and campgrounds packed from May until September.  By October 1st, most of the campers went back to the city, all the jobs dried up, and work was scarce. 

Amelia had never wanted to be anything more than a wife and stay-a-home mom, but until Ryan could find another job, she would readily leaver her comfort zone to help her family.  She had somehow managed to get one of the last available jobs in town as a janitor/cook at the local women's shelter; a job Ryan could not apply to for obvious reasons.  Since Amelia had become the bread-winner and Ryan the stay-at-home dad, their world seemed topsy-turvey and not quite right. 

The problems at home had nothing to do with Ryan's capabilities. Ryan was not only the best husband she could ask for, but also a terrific hands-on father.  Five year-old Colt and three year-old Sophia adored their father and, overall, were quite content Ryan had become their main caretaker.  Because Amelia loved and respected her husband beyond words, she never criticized when the children's clothes clashed, he only cooked food made in the microwave, or forgot to wash her work uniform.  None of that mattered when she considered how blessed she was to have such a loving, gracious husband.

The tension she felt now was all about money.  Her salary was $400 less a month than Ryan had been bringing home.  They had applied for heating assistance for the winter.  However, they were evaluated  based on the average of the family's income for the past three months, so they did not qualify.  Each time she walked into the home to feel the thermostat set to a chilly sixty-five degrees in order to save money, it added to her frustrations.  They took less showers, used more paper plates, and even did less laundry just to cut down on the water bill.  What was next, making the ultra-girlie Sophia wear her brother's football and fire truck hand-me-downs because they could not afford new clothes?  The little curly haired brunette loved her ribbons, bows, and frilly skirts; it would be a shame to force her to wear jeans every day.

Sometimes Amelia wondered what God had against them.  She and Ryan had strived to live holy lives and raised their children to both fear and love the Lord.  They were obedient in their faith and walked in the ways Jesus taught.  Had they missed a step?  Was God angry with them about something?  Or was life just being life?  They were not exempt from the trials of this world, and they did not expect to be.  She tried very hard to hold onto her faith that God was still in control, but some days she wondered if God had more of  hands-off approach to teach His children the harder lessons that would make them stronger in the long-run.

She was never home for more than a minute before her presence was known and she was surrounded by hugs, kisses, and affectionate words welcoming her home.  Her cares were swept away in the warmth of her family, and she stayed in Ryan's arms a little longer than usual before leaving his comfort to enjoy the dinner he had put together.

As she sat down to the little round table painted a cheerful daffodil, she was overflowing with love for her family.  She complimented her husband on the creative dinner of canned chili mixed with cut-up microwavable corndogs.  She could not wait to try his wonderful concoction.

The family took turns praying over their meals, and today was Colt's turn.
The little blonde-hair, blue-eyed boy was not as shy as his sister and loved  to pray aloud.

"Dear gracious Heavenly Father," he began as seriously as any minister.  He then ran all his words together into one long sentence, "Thank you for mommy and daddy and for daddy reading 'Winnie the Pooh' to us today, and thank you that mommy gets to still cook and clean even though it's for other people, and please help daddy to get a new job even if we wish he could stay home too, and thank you for loving us and taking care of us, we love you too.  In Jesus' name, amen."

Colt's childish prayer was so simple and yet so profound.  In Amelia's own prayers, she often failed to follow through by acknowledging that God was always taking care of them in spite of how things appeared on the surface.  In her frustrations and fear she rarely remembered God loved them or declared her own love.  She complained more than she praised.

If only I could have faith like my children, Amelia silently mused.

Half way into their meal, the cell phone in Ryan's pocket buzzed.  There was usually a no-phones rule at the dinner table, but as long as Ryan had active applications and resumes floating out there,  the rule had temporarily been placed on hold.

"Hello...  Yes, this is Ryan...  Yes...,"  there was a long pause as he listened to the person on the other end with an occasional, "Uh-huh" and finally ended with,  "Yes...  Thank you, I will...  God bless you too."

Ryan disconnected the call with a wide grin.

"Well, buddy, God just answered your prayer," Ryan revealed to his son, then addressed the rest of the family, "That was the Smith Airport.  Their security guard of twenty-five years has decided to retire by Jan. 1st.  They wanted to know of I would be interested in the position starting Monday.  It pays $2.50 more an hour than my old job and offers full benefits for the entire family."

Amelia jumped from the table around to her husband's chair and gave him an excited hug. 

"But wait, honey, I don't remember you applying for that job," Amelia realized.

"That's just it; I didn't.  Jim, my old boss at Securo just happens to be the brother of the owner of the small airport.  That was his brother on the phone.  He asked Jim if he could recommend anyone for the position.  They  prefer to hire people as employees of the airport, rather than contracting with private companies," Ryan explained, "Jim recommend me."

"Wow!  That is amazing!"

"Can I pray again, mommy?" Colt asked, his eyes sparkling with excitement. 

"Of course," she answered, returning back to her chair.

They all bowed their heads again.

"Thank you, God, for answering our prayers and giving daddy a job, 'specially since he really wanted to be a guard again.  You know what's best.  In Jesus' name, Amen."

Yes, Jesus, You do know what's best, Amelia silently agreed. 

She knew there would always be times in her life where her faith either faltered or grew.  But as long as she lived, she would never forget the day the faith of her child brought tears to her eyes and a new song in her heart!

At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?  And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, "Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.  Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven."  Matthew 18:1-4

The Golden Rule, Written by my Husband

The Golden Rule, Written by my Husband, Mel

But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you. To him who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Luke 6:^27-36  

It is truly as the days of Noah today, and the attributes of Satan are visible in most people’s lives. As Christians, we must go against the grain of our cold society, and let the love and light of our Lord Jesus Christ shine through us. If you have bitterness in your heart toward others, I urge you to let the love of Christ melt away the ice on your heart. Even the roots of bitterness are an open door for the devil to have a stronghold in your life. If you have animosity toward someone, let it go, and let the peace of God rule in your heart and mind. Sometimes, it is better not to speak about a person who stirs up hard feelings. Silence is golden, and will help you forgive the person who has offended you. Christ said to pray for, as well as, bless those who curse and persecute you. Praying for the offender will bring a release in your heart.

We have all heard of the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you" but how many of us truly obey it? Would you want someone to cheat you out of your money, or lie to you? Would you want someone to deny you a warm place to stay, or a hot meal, if you were in need? Do you desire to have someone give you the cold shoulder in your home or workplace? The answer of course is no. We all want to be loved and showed kindness from those around us. Regardless, of how others treat you, as Christians, we are to show unconditional love toward all, including the unlovely. You may think this is impossible, but with Christ all things are possible. If God's Holy Spirit dwells within you, you have the power to overcome the evil society, and show forth God's attributes. If the church will reflect Christ to the world, we will save many from Hell. Hypocrisy will destroy your testimony, and push people away from Christ. Be real, and let the good fruit of God's Spirit shine forth in your life.

 What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, "Depart in peace, be warmed and filled," but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. James 2:14-17

My Testimony: 2009-2014

I rarely cry, and especially not in front of others.  Yet, when Natalie was fired, I cried and begged my boss to give her another chance.  He would not, but not because of Natalie.  While looking for Natalie's replacement, a woman who had been a former volunteer when she was 19 or 20, interviewed for the open vet tech position.  It was very apparent the vet was enamored with the now thirty-four year old red head.  He acted as if his fantasy girl had come back to him.  He was as giddy as a schoolboy and hired her right after her interview.  The married man was never able to contain his lust for her and because of it, my job became unbearable.  He allowed her to sit in the office and text or read magazines while I did all the work.  She only helped with tasks that took two technicians, and even then, she kept right on texting.  In spite of the fact that she was the last one hired, she made the highest salary in the office (by quite a bit more) and even had paid benefits, though the rest of us did not.  It was not just the obvious favoritism and lack of work from someone that was supposed to be my partner that irritated me; it was the even more obvious exchange of dirty jokes, giggling, and flirting going on.  If he had not been a married man, it would have still been annoying simply because I had to work ten times harder for a much lower salary, yet seeing the affair happening right before my eyes sickened me.  The doctor had been an abusive boss long before then with his temper tantrums, grabbing and/or squeezing my hand when he was angry, swearing and throwing things, trying to look down my scrub top, etc.  I had put up with the abuse for 4 1/2 years because I needed the job and my animals needed me to work for a vet, but I could no longer stay in such a filthy environment.  I applied for many jobs for several months, and in August 2011, I was finally hired as a claims adjuster for a very busy pet insurance company.

And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.  Colossians 3:23

Working in pet insurance was fairly easy and I was told I learned quicker than most.  However, soon after I mastered processing the simple claims, I was to move on the much tougher, more detailed ones.  Although I had passed the written exam required to even be considered for this job with a score of 98% (which I was told was very rare), I was having great difficulty with phase two of the position.  As you know, I never went to vet tech school and was trained on the job.  Most vet techs attend school for two years and learn a great deal about medicine.  Although, in my opinion, book knowledge does not make a good tech, experience does (even the above-mentioned unnamed doctor above told me I was one of the best techs he had ever worked with).  However, to be a claims adjuster, you must have the medical knowledge to make it.  I did all I could; I even studied on my time off, but it was not enough.  Four months in, and I was out! 
 

Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord,  Acts 3:19

I remember feeling pretty confused with God.  Why did I get hired on at a job I was told was nearly impossible to get, just to be fired so soon?  Nevertheless, thank God, I was approved for unemployment.  This cut my monthly income to less than half, but it was better than nothing.  After I quit feeling sorry for myself and quit blaming God, I was able to take this time of inactivity to basically hit the reset button.  After all I had gone through at the newspaper, police department, the vet, and now the insurance company, I had become increasingly bitter.  I desperately needed this time away from humanity to de-stress and refocus on God.  Don't get me wrong, I still worked very hard at putting out applications and resumes, but I got very few interviews, and zero job offers.  It was actually a very good thing I did not get hired for another job.  This became a time of refreshing and revival.  I had always retained my faith in God, but I had been lacking reading my bible and simply spending time alone with my Creator.  I used this down time to spend several hours not just reading the bible every day, but also really absorbing all I read and even reexamining some things I had been taught.  All of this was not just for my benefit, it was for the benefit of the man I was about to meet!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28
 

Three months into my unemployment, my mom told me about a new man that had been attending her bible study group.  She and others had tried setting me up before, and I usually refused.  Due to my parents' divorce and being rejected by men I had feelings for had caused me to develop a strong mistrust of relationships.  Yet, something inside me wanted to meet this man, and I even reminded her about it when she forgot.  The next thing I knew, I was heading over to my mom & Frank's house to meet a man named Mel.  I was so sure he would find me unattractive that I nearly cancelled, but I forged ahead and soon we were all sitting down to have pizza.  I was still feeling skeptical and was bound and determined to reject him first.  I wanted to find fault in him.  Yet, as he sat there talking about the things of God, I started to notice his adorable dimples, his charming smile, beautiful eyes, and I loved his Missouri-Arkansas accent!  I could tell by the way he could not take his eyes off me, that I was not going to be rejected, and I relaxed.  I could see that this handsome man was intelligent and spiritually sound.  As we were preparing to leave my mom's house, we exchanged phone numbers, and he asked me if there was any place around still open to get some coffee.  We decided to go to "Denny's" for tea and coffee, and from that day forward, we have been inseparable!
 

Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go. Song of Songs 3:4

It was all made crystal clear to me why I had to leave job after job based on a car accident, religious discrimination, sexual immorality, favoritism, and even the inability to perform my job duties.  Every single step led me to March 6, 2012, the day I met the man I was destined to marry.  The man for whom I had waited 39 years.  If I had not been unemployed, I never would have been able to spend a minimum of eight hours a day with Mel, and been completely in love with him within 8 days after our first meeting, and talking about getting married after 11 days.  (He is retired and does not need to work.)  In spite of all the mental and physical pain I had to go through, including fourteen years of living alone, it was all worth it just to be with my soul mate.
 

If you, then... know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11

Now, after years of misery and an uncertain future, I have a life full of peace and happiness.  God granted me the best gift of all.  My Mel rescued me from a life of dead-end jobs and abusive employers.  No longer did I have to spend my days daydreaming of the perfect man or having imaginary conversations with an imaginary husband, because Mel made all my dreams come true.  None of it would have been possible if not for the gifts from God.  He gave me the courage to speak out against some very powerful people, gave me the ability to retain knowledge quickly so I was able to perform well at some very tough jobs, and helped me to hang on long enough until He made a way for me to move on to a new position. God did not always give me victory, and it seemed I was always being defeated by the ungodly giants in my life, but God gave me the will to move ahead.  He implanted in me the desire to never let go of my relationship with Him, and to hold fast to my faith in spite of facing liars, back stabbers, adulterers, narcissists, etc.  He rewarded me greatly with the husband I had asked Him for.  A man who not only meets my expectations, but also exceeds them.  Mel is my spiritual leader and he has enhanced my spiritual walk.  It is one of the many reasons why our marriage works so perfectly.
 

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55:9

So you see, although I went through many phases in my life where I wondered why I had to leave jobs I once had a passion for, it all had to be.  If I hadn't had a car accident that ultimately led me to leave the newspaper, I never would have worked at several other boring jobs that caused me to seek out a more exciting career.  I never would have found the job at the police.  If I hadn't been falsely accused, I never would have left the police and never would have gone to the vet.  If my boss hadn't had an affair at the office, I never would have left the vet and I never would have gone into insurance.  If I hadn't been fired from there, I never would have met Mel.  He is more precious to me than anything, and so worth the wait!!  I can't wait to see where God takes us next!

Note: I wrote this 3-part testimony in 2014, but I see now it is incomplete, I have more to add from the past 6 years, so I will post part 4 next week!

My Testimony: 1999-2009

I tried my hand at college for a year and almost one semester, but it was not for me.  All I really wanted to do was write.  I didn't feel like suffering through tough math and science classes in order to obtain an English degree with the rare likelihood I may someday end up a published novelist.  Instead, I chose to work.  I worked at a few dead end jobs like every nineteen year-old.  I was pretty bored with every job I held until I found a job in another field I loved: law enforcement.  In 1999, two months before I turned twenty-seven, I became a dispatcher for the city police, which I loved!  The excitement was addicting and, though it was a lot to learn, I thrived in the challenging environment.  I did not love the constant switch from days to nights every 6-8 weeks and I really hated constantly being screamed at by the public I was trying to help.  So 2 years and 8 months later, I transferred to the office and became a Community Service Officer.  I did everything from data entry, direct traffic, process evidence, community events, take minor walk-in reports, and a large variety of other things.

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me."  Matthew 5:11

 The last year and a half of my time with the police I was trained to be the city's crime analyst, which meant predicting crime patterns, creating charts & maps, and developing a weekly crime bulletin.  This was where it all fell apart.  I had taken over the position from a woman who was now the office supervisor and she hated that I was continually praised by the police chief, detectives, and other officers for my work. This was praise she had not received.  Jealousy reared it's very ugly head and she created lies about me to the point I was placed on probation and had to defend myself in order to save both my job and reputation.  

Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness.  Acts 4:29

Remember in my last blog that I said I hated being scrutinized at every turn as a PK?  Well, this was ten times worse.  I had to go before board after board of any where from two to six people and defend myself against false accusations.  I was told I was allowed to have a lawyer or other advocate present, but they never told me when these meetings would take place and would simply ambush me and demand I attend one of these interrogations.  If I refused to speak, they threated to fire me on the spot.  The moment I started to pray that God would guide my words, I found myself suddenly taking a stand against the unethical and immoral behaviors going on in the office.  I had never intended to do such a thing, and yet, low and behold, I would be in one of these abusive meetings and bold words would come out of my mouth that I surprised myself by saying!  I took a courageous stand for Christ I never knew I was capable of taking.  Almost all of my co-workers turned against me, and even my friends told me to either shut up, quit rocking the boat, or leave.  Even the Christians in the department refused to stand by me and did not want me speaking out against the blatant sexual behaviors, supervisors speaking out against Christian employees, and nepotism going on in the office.  My own supposed best friend in the department even thought I was exaggerating about the persecutions I was going through and told me so.  (Several years later she apologized after those in the office that went after me turned against her as well.)  I would go to work day after day receiving the silent treatment from co-workers I had given birthday & holiday gifts to for seven years. I was very alone and isolated in a department I had once loved like family.  They had praised me and made me employee of the month in 2005, and made my life a nightmare in 2006.  I went from hero to zero in a very short amount of time.  To this day I am not certain if jealousy or religious discrimination was the issue that started the whole nightmarish ball rolling.  Either way, I fully believe it was spiritual warfare and it was all in God's plans.  I never found out the city's final ruling against me because the day after the last meeting set to determine my fate,  I was offered another job, so I grabbed a hold of  it like it a drowning man reaches for a life preserver.  I turned in my resignation before my boss got to work and never once looked back.

My next job was another dead-end, boring, low-paying one, barely worth a blip in this story.  It is only significant because it plays a role in taking me to another major turning point in my life.  If I had not been so discontent working there, I never would have started looking for another job in less than a year.  

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Another great love of mine is animals.  I have a great compassion for them and have always wanted to work with animals.  In childhood records, whenever asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I often wrote things like: "elephant trainer," or "rodeo rider," and even "veterinarian."  Anyway, I'm getting off the subject!  I had once applied for a job as a veterinary technician sometime in the early 1990's.  I had a working job interview that went so well they almost  hired me on the spot, but chose someone with experience instead.  I came up against this same wall each time I applied for a job in the veterinary field.  I couldn't even get hired as a kennel attendant without experience.  So how do you get experience without being hired?  Well, in February 2007, a veterinarian in Eagle decided to give three of us the opportunity to work as vet techs even though we didn't have any training.  Leslie was so stressed out, she quit and went back to being our receptionist (which I'm glad she did because she is one of my all-time favorite co-workers).  Maria quit because she had an ill daughter and needed to work closer to home.  That left me and one other experienced vet tech, who had to have knee surgery and was out of commission for almost 2 months.  I was absolutely thrown into to the deep end and expected to swim like an Olympian.  I learned the job quickly and successfully, but it was nothing as I had expected.  It was a very tough job physically and emotionally and I both loved and hated it with a passion.  The 15-year vet tech vet (ha ha) eventually got fired for a bad attitude and Natalie came aboard as my new co-worker.  Along with Leslie, Natalie became my other favorite all-time co-worker, and she even became like a sister to me.  When she was fired at the end of 2009, due to circumstances beyond her control, it all went down hill from there.  

To be continued...

P.S.  For a little bit more of my testimony, you can also read my below blog:
http://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2014/05/prologue.html