Advice on how to Reach a Hurting Friend

 

I am working 40+ hours a week at my new job and I no longer have much time to write.  I especially miss working on the two new novels I started before I started work, but I will get back to them some day.   I am pleased, however, to share my dear hubby’s wonderful blogs on this site as well.

 

I started to write a blog last week that I might finish when I have a few more spare minutes, but this subject is more on my heart today.

 

A woman named Barbara (not her real name) started in the office around a week after I did.  I almost immediately felt a kinship with her in part to her friendly nature, in part to our prior law enforcement backgrounds, but mostly because she is a fellow believer.  Barbara & I are both shy in nature and private people; we do not like to share personal information to those who are practically strangers.  Yet, one morning when we had a spare minute or two between tasks, she confided in me that she struggles with issues of faith.  She feels as if her mind is a battlefield between Christ and Satan and she is painfully struggling not only to win the spiritual war, but also to understand why this is happening.  My heart went out to her and I  told her I fully believed she was indeed involved in spiritual warfare and quoted to her Ephesians 6:12, For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.  I also told her that we have a God that intercedes on our behalf and reminded her of Luke 22:31-32, And the Lord said, "Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat.
 But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren."

 

Barbara also told me that the only time she ever heard the name of God or Jesus growing up, it was as a swear word.  I have no idea how long she has been a believer or any other personal details as she usually keeps up a pretty big wall.  I have done my best to encourage her and I have been praying for her several times a day, but she still seems depressed.  I know part of her discouragement has to do with the fact that she is struggling to learn her new job and she feels even worse when the bosses assign me the computer work and have her doing the more menial tasks.  Again, I try to encourage her, but the better I get at the job and the more recognition I get from the bosses, the harder it is to break through to her and try to witness to her troubled mind.  I gave her a card yesterday in an attempt to further assure her of my desire to be her friend.  I let her know I was praying for her and wrote some verses in the card including Philippians 4:6-7, Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  She accepted the card with tears and thanks and said life was hard right now, but then the wall came back up, and she said no more.

 

How does one handle it when trying so hard to encourage one who refuses to be comforted?  I feel as if I am failing the Lord because I cannot seem to help Barbara.  What can I say or do that will get through?  Am I praying the right prayers?  Should I spend a day fasting and praying for her and try harder to intercede on her behalf?  Does there come a time when we draw the line and say we have done all we can and do no more?  Do I simply give up on being her friend?  She has rejected my offers to go on a double date with her husband, Mel, and me (she said it sounded nice but never called after I gave her my phone number).  Right now, she seems resentful with me for the positive attention I am getting at work, but I cannot do a poor job just because she is struggling to learn the job.  Can I?

 

I know you have probably been in this same situation at one time or another: trying to reach someone who feels unreachable.  Here is my advice on how to reach a hurting friend.  This is very much for me as well as anyone reading this. 

 

First and foremost, place your friend in God’s very capable hands.  Trust that He did not bring this person into your life on accident.  Even when you believe you are failing, cling to I Corinthians 15:58, Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.  Sometimes it is our job to plant the seed, sometimes it is to water it, and others we are to help reap the harvest.  We very well may not be able to see all our efforts played out.  Just because we do not see a change, that does not mean the person to whom we are ministering is unaffected.  God promises in Isaiah 55:11, So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.  Which also means that once someone hears the Truths of God (whatever level of faith they may have), God’s words will sink in.  If that person chooses to reject it, it is not God’s fault, but the stubbornness of the person’s hardened heart.  Also consider Luke 21:33, Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away.

 

Next, remember, it is NOT about you!  Get over your ego and do not take rejection personally.  When Galatians 6:2 instructs us to Bear one another's burdens, that means we are to try to understand what the other person is going through.  We are to Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
Be of the same mind toward one another. (Romans 12:15-16)  We are not to say, “I’d weep with you, but I’m too happy right now.”  Nor, do we need to wallow in depression with them.  Focus in their needs and show both sympathy ad empathy and let him/her know we are there to laugh, cry, and especially to pray with and for them.  Do not assume you know why your friend is depressed, distant, or broken, but ask for Godly guidance on how to help. You might be able to figure out the person is suffering from physical or mental illness, in  a bad marriage, or any number of things that will take the focus off your own need to feel accepted and simply be there when you are needed.  Do not be pushy and let him/her come to you when they are ready.     

 

Do not give up.  Think on Colossians 1:9, We… do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;
that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.  Notice the words, “do not cease”?  Even if you lose the friendship because the person pushes you away, keep praying and trusting God.

 

Remember, that quite often people will not see a breakthrough because they very well may be surrounding themselves with bondages that hold them back.  Movies, television, alcohol, ungodly music, witchcraft, etc. will always hold a person back from receiving God’s blessings.  Until your friend is ready to let go of his/her bondages, it will be next to impossible to find spiritual healing.  But again, keep praying, and add to your prayers that the Lord will open the eyes of your friend wide to whatever it is that may be blocking the breakthrough he/she needs.  If there comes an opportunity to offer gentle advice on such matters, please give Godly counsel, but do not be judgmental or give unwanted advice that will further turn them away from the things of the Lord. 

 

I do not like to sound like a know-it-all, and I make it clear it  am not dolling out my wisdom but the Lord’s.  Therefore, my last bit of advice is to quote scripture as much as you can.  If you do not know the exact reference, look it up or encourage your friend to look it up as a way to get him/her into the Bible.

 

There are hundreds (probably thousands) of good verses you can give, but here is just one more that may help your friend (beside the above ones I quoted): Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil.
It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.  Proverbs 3:5-8