Julie's Poetry, Part 4: 2022-2025

 

Daddy’s Girls (2022)
Two little girls,
One redhead one blonde,
Enticing Daddy to play,
“Come on, Daddy, come on!”

Daddy prepared sermons, and worked a second job,
But when the work was done,
There were Daddy-Daughter days,
With roast beef and ice cream cones.

We made believe we were robots,
Where pretzels became energy cells,
We sang silly bedtime songs,
And Daddy prayed all was well.

As the little girls grew up,
As all of us must do,
We began to go our own ways,
And times with Daddy were few.

Yet Daddy was still our support,
And encouraged us as we dreamed,
He would cheer every achievement,
And tell us defeat was not as bad as it seemed.

Then came college,
And marriage for the elder,
As he walked her down the aisle,
Daddy released her to another man’s shelter.

A family became divided,
And hearts were shattered,
But we all continued to love,
And forgave when it mattered.

Father became friend as the younger remained single,
Their bond was ever so strong,
As they shared life’s ups and downs,
Until it was time for both to move on.

A husband for the daughter,
God’s gift of joy from above,
A new wife and new location for Daddy,
They were separated but both happy with new love.

Through the distance his daughters kept in touch,
But Daddy’s health was in danger,
First a heart attack with many complications,
Many surgeries, and even cancer.

Prayers upon prayers,
Tears upon tears,
His daughters worried for Daddy
Afraid for the worst in a sea of fears.

Daddy fought like a warrior,
But his enemy was stronger,
For reasons unknown,
Daddy could stay here no longer.

They cried and screamed,
They ached beyond measure in their pain,
But they could rejoice Daddy was at peace in Heaven,
Knowing they would someday see him again.

Two grown women,
One redhead, the other blonde,
Saying, "Daddy, we will miss you,
But in our hearts, you are never gone."

Thankful for his legacy of faith,
Teaching them the Truths of Old,
Knowing God is in control,
Someday they will join him on the Streets of Gold.

(Revelation 21:4-5 & 21) And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And the twelve gates were twelve pearls: every several gate was of one pearl: and the street of the city was pure gold, as it were transparent glass.

This poem is based on true events. I had indeed had a dream about my dad leaving in the middle of a conversation, and I was racing after him, begging him to stay longer. Four years later, and I still have similar dreams from time to time. But the truth is, I would not have him back for anything. My daddy is in perfect peace and health in Heaven, and much, much happier there!

It is also true that my dad's widow told me that my dad's last word right before he passed to Heaven was, "Hallelujah!" The last week or so of his life his cancer had spread to his brain, he had gone blind, and he was not speaking. However, his wife still played worship music for him and right in the middle of one of the songs (I don't know which one), he suddenly called out, "Hallelujah!" and was gone to glory shortly after.

As the late singer Howard Goodman once said (this is paraphrasing), it is very difficult to say good-bye to those we love, however, don't think of them as being in our past, but in our future because we will see them again. Hallelujah indeed!

Hallelujah! (2022)
I had another dream,
Where we were having a casual chat,
So much like we used to do,
When you suddenly announced you must go,
You could not stay any longer;
As you swiftly began your exit,
I raced after you trying to keep up,
Pleading, “Don’t go yet, Dad,
There’s so much more I want to say!”
But you did not reply,
And you were gone.

I awoke enveloped in a heavy cloak of sadness,
Missing you with such an ache;
Hopes and fears in my heart I want to share,
Yet these conversations we will never have;
In spite of my grief,
I could not cry,
Instead, I began to pray.

So many words came back to me then,
Our last conversation
When you could scarcely speak,
And I said, “It’s okay, Daddy,
Just know I love you very much.”
I remembered how often you told me you loved me,
And how much you loved my husband,
And you prayed for us daily.

I remembered that your wife shared with me
Your very last word,
When you were surrounded by those you loved,
She played praise music for you;
Although you had not spoken for a while,
Before you left, you clearly said,
“Hallelujah!"

Just one word,
One word that soothes my soul;
One word to let me know
You were ready to go;
One word to give me peace;
You are in perfection now,
Walking down streets of gold,
Embraced in pure love from God;
One word to bring comfort,
Reminding me I will see you again.

Though I still have much more to say,
I must let you rush ahead,
To a place where you are safe and free,
In the holy presence of Jesus,
Where your pain is gone,
And you can rest and find joy;
Hallelujah, indeed!

(1 John 1:3) Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God.

This poem is based off a real experience of feeling devastated after my doctor told me the pain and weakness in my body will never improve and will probably only get worse.  He was very blunt in telling me treatments would not help and the best I could hope for was to try to manage my symptoms as best as possible.  You can see my reaction by reading the poem.  

What is also true is that I had requested my Echo speaker to play music by The Gaither Vocal Band right before the doctor had called me.  I had walked out of the room to take the call (I often request phone appointments to receive medical results, so I don't have to waste gas going back to the doctor's office), and when I went back into the bedroom, the music was still playing.   It had already been a physically difficult day, and now my head was reeling after the conversation.  I was trying to simply change my sheets, but my body was rebelling, so I literally laid on the floor crying as pain was making it difficult to move.  The songs sung by one of my favorite bands truly washed over me in such a wave of God's comfort and love that by the fourth or fifth song, I was feeling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually strong in the power of Jesus!  

Yes, the Word of God should be our number one source of Biblical encouragement, but God also truly uses Godly men and women to write, sing, and play instruments that can minister to a hurting soul.  I am very grateful for such writers and musicians!

No Cure? (2025)
Perhaps not the worst words one can hear,
But certainly ones that elicit fear,
“There is no cure for you,
Treatments won’t help much,
And you will only get worse.”

Panic.
Hopelessness.
Self-pity.
Tears.

As I lay on the floor,
In too much pain to move,
And too distressed to breathe,
My heart cries for a song,
More than my broken body needs,
My soul craves healing.

I let the music play,
Surrounded by songs I love,
Resounding in a not-so-random order,
As if God planned this play list just for me,
To remind me of all that Jesus is.

Pain taker.
Mountain mover.
Path straightener.
Joy giver.

The songs continue to bless me,
To strengthen me,
To remember that some mountains are necessary,
And that God is always with me;
May I never forget I am a child of the King!

No cure for this mortal body,
But Jesus is the remedy for my immortal soul,
His blood has healed my sin-sick spirit,
His medicine I want to take daily,
To stay clean, joyful, and whole.

Peaceful.
Forgiven.
Loved.
Royalty.

His love has cured my despair,
His mercy has inspired my actions,
I desire only to live for Him,
And though I may be crooked in body,
I can forever soar in my soul!

(Psalm 45:1 AMP) My heart overflows with a good theme; I address my psalm to the King. My tongue is like the pen of a skillful writer.

Why write a poem? (2025)
Certain things are too difficult to pen,
So why write a poem?
Why open a wound I try so hard to keep sealed?
Because scotch tape does not cure a broken heart;
After a while it loosens
And the pain seeps back out.

So why write a poem?
Will it create a permanent healing?
Will it change the past?
Can it bring back those lost,
Or fill an empty womb?

No, poetry is not a cure,
It is a process to increase my faith,
Writing words I cannot say aloud
Is a way to express,
A way to cry,
A way to scream
Without uttering a sound.

It is a way to say to God,
“I don’t understand,
But I love You anyway.”
He knows what my heart says
In between the beats,
So why write a poem?

Because God wants to hear me,
Even when I cannot fully verbalize my heart,
He knows the way I process emotion,
He knows paper and ink are the path to closure,
He knows how to heal what I cannot.

Therefore, I will praise,
I will trust,
I will tell God I love Him,
I will see beyond this life,
I will find joy and peace,
And I will write a poem.

(Psalm 56:8) Thou tellest my misery: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?

This last poem is so very personal I almost didn't share it. The pain of never having children is something I have struggled with and know many of you can relate. I very clearly felt God tell me about a year ago that I needed to grieve this loss if I was ever to heal from it. Since God is never wrong, I knew He was right, but I wasn't really sure how or if I wanted to deal with this grief. Finally, a few months ago, I wrote this poem. If you struggle with this same pain, know you are not alone. I understand and God will hold you when you cry.

Things I Will Never Know (2025)
I will never know
The joy of a positive pregnancy test,
Never experience morning sickness,
Never thrill at a baby’s kick inside my belly;
WIll not keep track of the weeks and months
Until my baby is born.

I will never know
What is is like to feel that newborn in my arms,
And weep with joy as I become a mother
What it is like to see a tiny face
That is a beautiful blend of my husband and me,
To see dimples so like his father’s,
Or eyes just like mine;
To call him the name lovingly chosen.

I will never know
What is is like to hold that little boy in my lap,
Reading him bedtime stories,
Praying with him and teaching him
All about God’s love;
Will not hear him call me Mommy,
Or Mel called Daddy.

I will never know
How it feels to watch him grow,
To hear him giggle in delight,
As we take silly family selfies;
Will never see my child snuggle with a fluffy pet,
Or watch him grow up so fast I want time to slow down;
Will never see him delight in the love of God,
As he becomes more like Jesus every day.

No, this barren body will never carry a baby,
These empty arms will never snuggle with my child.

Yet I will always know
What it feels like to bask in the love of God,
To have my Heavenly Father hold me close,
To not know why He chose this path for me,
But to know Jesus calls me His own,
To feel His nail-scarred hands wipe away my tears,
To know He fills my empty heart,
And to know that His love will always be enough for me.

My Testimony, Part 6: 2022-Present

 

My Testimony, Part 6: 2022-Present

The meme I am including in this blog is an obvious spoiler of what I am going to write about next.

In March 2023 I was experiencing similar symptoms to what I had gone through in 2019 when it was discovered I had a tumor in my right ovary (see part 4 of My Testimony).  The big difference in 2023 was that I had been in menopause for approximately two years and should not have been bleeding at all.  The bleeding was so severe, I almost bled to death as my skin turned gray and I became very weak and dizzy.  

In the ER they performed an ultrasound and released me with a diagnosis of an uneven lining in my uterus. It was not until I went online to see my medical report that I read, "highly suspect endometrial adenocarcinoma."  I think we all know that means cancer.  I was shocked and also angry that no one in the ER told me what had been discovered.  

I had been referred to a gynecologist for the uneven lining, but by the time I finally got the appointment, I already knew part of what the report had stated.  What I did not know was that I had two tumors in my abdomen; the other was on my remaining left ovary.  

I remembered that when I had the first tumor in 2019 that the doctor told me she was sure it was not cancer and not to worry.  Yet the doctor in 2023 said, "Let's see what the biopsy says," and he would not remove the endometrial tumor until the report from the ovarian tumor came back.  Those were 2 huge red flags to me, and I was quite worried.

My husband had been dealing with his own medical issues of severe sciatic pain at the time and had not been able to come with me to the ER or the follow-up.  Therefore, and I absolutely do not recommend doing so, I never told him there was a suspicion of cancer as I did not what to stress him out.  I downplayed it all to spare him the trauma.  Therefore, I went through all the emotional struggles alone.  Well, no, NEVER alone, God became my rock more than ever before.

On April 27, 2o23 I had the same surgery as in 2019, but now on the left side.  Tumor, left ovary, and fallopian tube were all removed, as well as a sample taken from the second tumor.

It wasn't until I was in the recovery room after the surgery that my husband now knew that cancer was likely.  The very excellent surgeon told my husband what was going on (not knowing Mel had not been in the loop at this point) by saying he was almost certain what he saw was cancer.  I feel pretty bad now that my precious husband found out that way and not from me.  I know he was in shock.  I have since repented to both my husband and to God for having kept such an important secret.

Several days later I again discovered my diagnosis by reading it online.  Confirmed before me in black and white what that I indeed had a cancerous tumor in my uterus.  This time I told Mel.  We cried, hugged, and most importantly, we prayed. I didn't know until I saw the oncologist that would perform the next surgery, that the ovarian tumor was also cancerous as the on-line report had not mentioned it. I had two cancerous tumors at once?  Yet another emotional knockout blow.     

On June 7, 2023, I had a complete abdominal hysterectomy, lymph node dissection, and had my omentum removed (layer of tissue that covers abdominal organs).  I spent 5 days in the hospital.  I should have been there 2-5 days longer, but I was impatient to go home, so I talked them into releasing me earlier.  Not a good idea; I should have stayed the full week to 10 days, as the pain was very intense and I refused to take any addictive narcotics once I was released from the hospital (even in the hospital I insisted on the mildest form of narcotic they could give).  It was a very long recovery process both physically and mentally.

If you have ever read or been verbally given a cancer diagnosis, then you know how I felt.  If not, I do not think I can really describe what that does to your emotions, and truly still does today as I still have nightmares about my cancer returning (even last night).  Especially considering I lost my dear dad to cancer in 2022.  Oh, how I wished he had been there to talk to during my struggles, but I praise God He is free and whole with Jesus now.   

Just as I had in 2019 while I waited to see if my first tumor had been cancer or not, I had determined that no matter the outcome, God was in control, and he would take care of me and my husband.  In 2023, I had even more fear than I had before since I now knew this was indeed cancer and I was only waiting to know what stage it was and whether or I would have to endure chemotherapy.  But overall, I was at peace.   

I also praise God the tumors were diagnosed as synchronous ovarian and endometrial cancers, which means they were supposedly independent of each other, and both were considered to be stage 1A.  I should see this as a miracle that this rarity was my case, yet I do often worry this was a misdiagnosis as only 2 to 17% of multiple cancers are synchronous.  Whenever I stress about this, I first realize I cannot exactly go backwards and insist on another test or that I now go through chemo, and then God reminds me to trust Him and just praise Him that I am currently doing okay.  Whether I will ever have a recurrence or a secondary cancer only God knows, and I will continue to praise Him no matter what my future holds.     

I also often wonder why me.  But not why did I have cancer as I do not expect to be exempt from the pains of this life. No, I wonder why I was spared a higher stage of cancer.  My dad suffered through chemo and horrible symptoms at the end of his life.  Others I know have had chemo and/or radiation as well as many I do not know.  So why was I spared?  God asks me, "Why ask why?"  Just praise Him and continue being a faithful servant to my Savior in good times and bad.  By God's grace, that is exactly what I will do.  

Let me pause and take a deep breath.  Okay, now moving forward past the cancer.

Back to the previous blog (part 5), where I wrote about my non-diagnosis of neurological symptoms.  I have not improved and have pursued a second opinion from two different neurologists.  

Since moving to Washington state in 2019, I have been seen by some wonderful providers that have been kind and genuinely cared about what I was going through.  The best of the best were from the oncology staff working for Providence Cancer Systems.  However, I have also faced the exact opposite side of the coin in dealing with some of the rudest and coldest medical personnel that have tested the Fruits of the Spirit in me, and, sorry to say, I did not always pass those tests.  Counting the first doctor mentioned in part 5, the three neurologists I have seen, have been so outrageously callous that it has only been by the power of the Holy Spirit that I have been able to forgive them. I will not waste your time or mine writing about how awful they were, only to say I still do not have any more answers to why I have lesions in my brain, or why I experience so many other symptoms that make day to day life difficult.

My primary care doctor, however, did order x-rays earlier this year and I was diagnosed by a radiologist as having severe spinal facet joint diseases and lumbar scoliosis.  While I appreciate a partial diagnosis, they do not explain all of my symptoms.  I have not seen any more specialists and instead I have been told by both the kind and not so kind doctors that they do not fully know what is wrong with me and/or there is nothing they can do to help me as no treatments will make a real difference.  The best I can hope for is to manage my pain. 

Frustrating? Yes! Discouraging?  Absolutely!  But will I lose my faith over it?  Never! My struggles are physical, but not spiritual.  Like Job, I will trust God no matter what.  I know God is loving, kind, and good, and the medical issues I face are the results of a fallen world.  Someday I will be made whole and free in Heaven, and all these struggles will be forgotten.  As the song says, "But until then my heart will go on singing / Until then with joy let's carry on / Until the day my eyes behold that City / Until the day God calls me home." (Songwriter: Stuart Hamblen) (You can see my favorite singer, Vestal Goodman, singing that song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7KN6kqsPzE&list=RDR7KN6kqsPzE&start_radio=1 )

 (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

As I am preparing to post this last part of my testimony today in 2026 (which also happens to be my 54th birthday, I have a quick paragraph to add.  For the past 4 months or so, I have been having increased pain and weakness in my right arm.  My primary doctor does not know what is causing this and, due to a lot of unexplained swelling, she sent me to the ER with the concern of a blood clot or trapped nerve.  The doctor there did not take either her or me seriously and only performed an x-ray and sent me home.  My doctor (who was pretty upset with the ER doc) has since ordered a referral for a doppler ultrasound to check the condition of the veins and blood flow in my arm, as well as, guess what, another electromyography/ nerve conduction study test. If you read part 5, you know how much I hate having one of those tests, yet I must endure another one on Oct. 6 (still waiting for the ultrasound to be scheduled). Based on my history with doctors and tests, I am not optimistic I will get a diagnosis on my arm, but I am choosing to trust God because He knows the future and He alone has to power to either heal me or give me the strength to endure!

The song I am choosing today has nothing to do with my medical dramas, but instead it best sums up my entire life.  No matter how much I hear this song, it makes me cry.  Jesus grows sweeter and more precious to me every day!  This song IS my testimony!  "The Longer I Serve Him" sung by one of my favorite groups, Greater Vision (this song also includes legendary bass singer, Ed O'Neal).  The song starts around 2 minutes into the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W28llprTZRk&list=RDW28llprTZRk&start_radio=1 

My Testimony, Part 5: 2020-2022

 

My Testimony, Part 5: 2020-2022

The obvious thing to point out here is that as long as I draw breath, there will always be more to add to my story.  I figured maybe every 10 years or so but did not expect to have so much to update in half that time. So much so in just 5 years that it will have to be split into 2 more parts (one more testimony post after this one, and then 1 more set of poems).

Let me pick up where I left off while working for the kind woman who ran the cat boarding facility, I mentioned I was experiencing some troubling symptoms causing weakness in my body.  I had my first MRI where brain lesions had been discovered and was scheduled to have more MRIs. That was just the beginning.

Without going through my medical records, I cannot tell you the exact dates of all 6 MRIs I experienced between 2019-2022.  What I can tell you is that, if you have never experienced one, pray you never have to.  This is how I describe what a character in one of my novels feels as she is going through an MRI: "The supposed noise-canceling headphones playing her choice of worship music did nothing to drown out the clangs, clicks, bangs, thumps, thunders, and smashing sounds surrounding her as if she was inside a never-ending plane crash."  Obviously, I can relate to my fictional character's experience. And by the time the MRI is over, I am dizzy, shaking, and have a pounding headache.

On top of the MRIs, I have also had countless CT scans, X-rays, more bloodwork done than I can recall, and two electromyography tests (EMGs]). The Mayo Clinic describe an EMG as "a diagnostic procedure to assess the health of muscles and the nerve cells that control them (motor neurons) ... a needle electrode inserted directly into a muscle records the electrical activity in that muscle." This is accompanied by a nerve conduction study (NCS) described by Penn Medicine as "Small sensors placed on your skin send electrical pulses to test how fast your nerves work. This feels like a shock."  Because I have very sensitive muscles and nerves, I would describe the combination of an EMG with an NCS as "a horrible test where you feel as if you are being simultaneously stung by bees and electrocuted." And, yes, I had had to endure it twice! You would think all those tests in 3 years I would have a clear-cut picture of what is wrong with me.  A diagnosis in black and white.  A treatment plan and medications to help me improve.  If that's what you think, you would be wrong. 

The initial neurologist I saw in 2019 (mentioned in part 4) who diagnosed me to     `have a "demyelination disorder that very well may be Multiple Sclerosis" later backtracked and changed his diagnosis.  I have absolutely no idea why.  All I know is that when I saw him last in February of 2022, he suddenly declared that he could not figure out what was wrong with me and therefore could not help me; he released me from his care.  I will not say he had failed when he tried helping me at first.  Yet, after all the above-mentioned tests ruling out many other conditions, my long list of symptoms, and the lesions in my brain, he was still not convinced my disorder was MS.  In January 2022, he finally ordered a lumbar puncture to help him make up his mind once and for all.  

Not sure which is worse, a head-splitting MRI, an electric shock-bee stinging test, or having a needle jammed into your spine during a lumbar puncture (spinal tap).  I was not supposed to feel any needle except the one they used to numb my spine, which hurt bad enough.  However, I felt every single time the 4-inch needle stabbed me in the back.  I am not certain how many times I was jabbed, only that it was extremely painful and I was trying very hard not to let the staff know I felt it because I wanted this test done once and for all.  I needed proof that I had MS or something similar!  However, on top of feeling the painful stabs, both of my legs began to jerk, and my left arm began to tremor. The procedure was terminated because the doctor was afraid he would cause me serious harm.  No spinal fluid was collected, and therefore, no diagnosis would be possible. 

Not only did I experience a lot of pain before and after the failed procedure, but I also had a lot of confusion.  Not just from me but from the neurologist, the doctor who performed the lumbar puncture, and even the nurses at the procedure. Apparently, what happened was extremely rare, and no one seemed to know what to do next. (Note: I would like to add that in 2025, my husband and I were sitting on a bench at the beach when a woman walked by and my husband commented on her pretty dogs. Somehow the conversation got around to the fact she had recently been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after years of all the same tests I had, as well as getting no diagnosis. I won't bore you with our long conversation with this "random" stranger, but it turns out she is one of those rare people that had the exact same experience with the spinal tap I had with the jerking and feeling all the needle insertions. Her test was re-performed with a mild sedative, and she was able to get diagnosed with MS. I believe God sent her my way so I did not feel so alone, and I knew I had not exaggerated my reaction to the lumbar puncture, as I had been wondering if it had all been in my head. Unlike her, I have never repeated the spinal tap procedure.)

It was after the lumbar puncture fiasco that the neurologist washed his hands of me and said he no longer wanted me as a patient. My hopes of finally having answers to my worsening condition were dashed, and worse yet, I was forced to quit the job I so loved because my body was so severely rebelling against me, I could no longer be on my feet for more than 30 minutes at the most. 

Yet even much, much worse than the physical pain and weakness and saying goodbye to a boss and cats I loved to work with, I lost one of my dearest friends in this world.  The only one I loved more than that person is my husband.  On January 23, 2022, my precious dad, Otto, lost his very brutal battle with multiple myeloma (blood cancer) and went home to be with Jesus.  We were very close, and I miss him so much still today.

Shattered hopes for treatment for an unnamed condition, loss of a beloved job, and severely grieving my father all in the same month were difficult deal with.  But my dad gave me a great gift.   

Neither of my parents were perfect by any means, but I grew up with a strong foundation of faith. Thanks to my dad's great example of spiritual leadership, I was able to build on my spiritual knowledge and learn on my own all that the Bible truly says. I thank God my dad taught me to have a personal walk with Jesus and not just rely on what my parents taught me.

Also, they say women marry men similar to their fathers (and men marry women similar to their mothers) because, for good or bad, it is a personality they are comfortable with. I praise God I had a healthy relationship with my dad because it was the foundation for choosing a Godly husband who also challenges me spiritually as we grow in the knowledge of God together.     

In spite of all the physical and mental challenges during the years, I have managed to keep my faith in God strong.

But my battles were not over.

(Romans 5:1-5) Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

The song I am choosing today is "Hear my Heart," sung by Sheri Easter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUhJP0p9RiE&list=RDDUhJP0p9RiE&start_radio=1

My Testimony, Part 4: 2014-2020

My Testimony, Part 4: 2014-2020

After reading what I had previously written for my testimony in 2014, I realized how much has changed since then.  To begin with, I have changed and (hopefully) matured spiritually. (You can read more about my spiritual growth in this blog here: https://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2025/10/the-slow-backslide.html). Let me go back 4 years, 4 months.

Sorry for the not-so-good artwork from my journaling Bible, but I like the unprofessional interpretation of my favorite verse better than the fancy memes out there. I'm not saying that to be arrogant, but simply because it is my personal perception of what that verse means to me. 

In case you cannot read the photo, it is of 1 Corinthians 13:12.  The Bible is KJV, but here is the amplified version: For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God].

I have relied on that verse quite a bit since October 1, 2014.  That was the day we lost our home to foreclosure.  

People judge one who has lost a home, but until you have been through it, consider exchanging your criticism for compassion.  It is one of the reasons I now have so much compassion for the homeless; losing a house can happen to anyone of us.  I will not go into why we lost our home, but it was the worst time in my life.  Not because I lost a house, but because I lost 4 of my precious dogs.  I had to find them all new homes separated from us and from each other.  That hurt me worse than anything ever has.  I went through a period of about 6 months where I was so angry with God that I could not even pray.  When I began releasing my bitterness and letting the Lord's gentle love warm my heart again, I started merely saying, "Thank You," to Him for even the small things until I was able to slowly revive my relationship with the Lord.  

Although I no longer blame the Lord for the bad things that happen in life, the loss of those dear dogs still causes me great pain today.  I still cannot think about them without a crushing ache in my chest.  I will never understand why this happened, so you can see why I rely so heavily on 1 Corinthians 13:12.

I am very thankful, however, that we were able to keep the 9 cats we had.  Through miraculous circumstances, we were able to get into a rental 3 days before we were due to be homeless.  And I truly mean "miraculous." We found a rental approximately 70 miles north from where we had lived.  God led us to a house we did not even know was available until we were desperately looking at a hotel in the area. We thought we would have to move into a hotel as we could not find an affordable rental that would take pets.  We just happened to decide to go to the lake while in Cascade and drove by a house with a rental sign outside.  We called the number out of mere desperation.  We did not think we could afford any rent or a huge deposit with our small budget (with 9 cats, you can understand why there was an almost $1,000 deposit required).  This is another long story I won't go into, but God opened the door to that house where we rented until April of 2019.  Throughout our time in Cascade, we continually had people ask how we managed to obtain a rental home in an area where rentals were impossible to find.  The answer was always easy, "God made a way." Even non-believers agreed it was a miracle.

The majority of our time in Cascade was uneventful.  Jobs were just as hard to come by as homes were in the town of less than 1,000 people, but in September 2015 I finally got a job working in the cafeteria at the local school.  

This was also the same month the Lord began dealing with my husband on the issue of television.  God lovingly helped us both to see that Christians should not allow themselves to be exposed to such filth if they truly want to live lives pleasing and acceptable unto the Lord (see 1 Corinthians 6:14-7:1, Romans 12:1-2, & 1 Peter 1:15-17).  Without much thought to clinging to the world, we got rid of our television shortly after I began my job as a kitchen assistant. 

Giving up all television and movies was one of the best moves I have ever made in my spiritual walk.  Do I still struggle with wanting to see the latest dinosaur, sci-fi, or superhero movie? Sure, but I love purity and the things of the Lord far, far more than the filthy things of the world!  

In January 2016 I was walking on the sidewalk outside work and took a flight through the air on the ice and landed flat on my rear end.  Remember the car accident I mentioned in 1995?  Well, two back injuries piled on top of one another, even 21 years apart, was very bad news.  A month after the fall on the ice, my back became so painful that I could no longer handle a job on my feet and was forced to resign. Again, I relied on 1 Corinthians 13:12.  I do not believe God made me fall on the ice, Jeremiah 29:11 says that God does not intend bad things for me, but I do believe He was (and still is) in control of that injury that still causes me problems today.   

Other than a few short job stints here and there, I did not work much while we lived in Cascade.  I do not want to get into my job history during that time as it is not really important except to say that God did bless me with one of my all-time favorite jobs in 2018.  I had a wonderful job as an office assistant working for Idaho State Park and Recreation.  I learned quickly and even trained one other employee. They loved me and I loved them, but it was seasonal only, from May-September.  They told me I would have a guaranteed job every camping season, but... Well, you'll see.    

While the seasonal job was on hiatus, life in Cascade was pretty uneventful until November 2018.  Then, right before Thanksgiving of that year, I was having serious abdominal pain and heavy menstrual bleeding, so I asked Mel to take me to the emergency room.  The doctor ordered a CT scan, and it was discovered I had a golf ball-sized tumor on my right ovary.  

Until January 25, 2019, I lived in fear of ovarian cancer.  I knew, however, that no matter the outcome, God was in control, and he would take care of me and my husband.  I had some fear, yes, but overall, I was at peace.  Around a week after having the tumor, right ovary and fallopian tube removed, I learned I did not have cancer. Praise God!  

Let me go backward a little bit now.  Mel and I have felt a calling to move to the coast of either Oregon or Washington since about 2013 (about a year after we were married).  In September 2018, we used the money I made working for the state park and applied for a home loan so we could pursue our dream and follow God's calling.  

On April 15, 2019, God blessed us with our current home, roughly 30 minutes from the Pacific Ocean.  We fully believe that God has brought us here.  Oh, and God restored part of our canine family in the form of a 6-year-old German Shepherd we adopted from a shelter. (Note: Shortly after posting this the first time, we also rescued 2 more German Shepherds, this time white.  They are half-sisters.)

Our future looks brighter all the time, but I have one more dramatic scene to add to this current chapter of my testimony.  Again, I will not go into all the details, but I have been struggling with symptoms of an unknown illness since at least spring 2016.  I did not link all my symptoms together until around December 2019.  

Let me go back to June 2019.  After moving, I almost immediately got a job working for a wonderful woman that runs a cat boarding facility.  I love her like an aunt or older sister, and I adore the cats I get to take care of.  It is almost like having my vet tech job restored to me but without the sick animals or cruel boss. And of course, it is much, much less complicated. There are lots of precious kitty snuggles and no death and illness to deal with, so in a way, a much happier job than being a vet tech.  

After about 4 months of cleaning cages, scrubbing floors, and being on my feet 2-6 hours a day (depending on how many cats we have), I began to feel weaker and weaker.  At first, I thought my body was just trying to again adjust to a physically demanding job.  However, I had been in pretty good shape, going on long hikes as often as I could with Mel and our dog and exercise usually helped me get stronger.  Yet now the added exercise of working had the opposite effect. The weaker I got and the harder using my arms and legs became, I knew something was not right. 

I won't go into my many symptoms, but I eventually knew I had to see a doctor.  The first one dismissed my symptoms saying the only thing wrong with me was that I was overweight and clumsy.  As I got worse God finally led me to a doctor who saw the seriousness in what I was going through.  She began the process of finding out what was wrong with me.       

My first brain MRI revealed at least 11 lesions in my brain. I have been diagnosed with a demyelination disorder that very well may be Multiple Sclerosis (I struggle with my hands even now as I type this.). I have an MRI scheduled in 2 weeks to get further answers.  Just as when I was facing a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, I know that whatever the outcome, God is in control, and I will be okay. Not only do I have my wonderful Heavenly Father by my side, but God has also blessed me with an amazingly supportive and loving husband. Thank you, God, for the gift of Mel! 

One more thing to add: when I saw the neurologist, he recognized the name of my current boss because her daughter also happens to have MS.  She has undergone treatment that seems to be tremendously helping her.  The doctor said something like this to Mel and me, "If you do happen to have MS, I will believe in a Higher Power and that He brought you and your boss' daughter together for a reason." Can I get a big, "Amen" on that?  I fully agree.  In fact, if my suffering brings God glory when an unsaved neurologist acknowledges God's goodness, and to any other nonbelievers, it is all worth it!  Again, you can see why 1 Corinthians 13:12 is my favorite scripture verse.

The song I am choosing for part 4 can easily be applied to any or all of my testimony.  It is the song "Through" sung by The Gaither Vocal Band." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSdm_pnqtBc&list=RDhSdm_pnqtBc&start_radio=1

Julie's Poetry, Part 3: 2005-2017

 

Julie's Poetry, Part 3: 2005-2017

(2 Corinthians 7:6) Nevertheless God, that comforteth those that are cast down, comforted us.  

Depression (2005) (Written for a friend.)
Depression
Has settled in;
How can she
Tame such a Beast
That devours life's joy?
With teeth and claws
That scratch and bite,
And a forked tongue
That whispers hate and deceit,
And purrs sweet nothings
To make her believe
Its treacherous lies

Redemption
Has paid the price
To kill the Beast
And set her free;
With nail-pierced hands
That comfort and heal,
And eyes of peace
Full of hope and love
And words of truth
To bless with joy
And a pure heart
Full of mercy and grace

(Isaiah 6:8) Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then said I, "Here am I; send me."

When Called (2006)
It is an honor to be called out,
To have God say you are ready,
To walk through the battlefield
Equipped in the armor of His holy word;
To take a stand where others fall
And say, “Yes, Lord, use me.”
Not to whimper or cry,
But to shout because you are chosen;
To tremble in awe at such an assignment,
And pray for wisdom and strength;
To try to understand,
And believe God’s will even things seem impossible;
To say, “Yes, Lord, teach me.”

To feel His blessing grip a hold of you,
And kneel in His presence;
To not give up or give in,
But to push ahead through the muck.

And when you reach the end,
To praise Him for surviving;
To say, “Yes, lord, heal me.”
And not become bitter;
To reflect on all He taught you;
To remember He chose you;
To feel your faith grow stronger,
And heart more open;
To do it all again,
And say, “Yes, Lord, use me.”

(John 16:33) "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 

Why Me? (2006)
Losing precious animals,
Religious discrimination,
Financial woes,
And I wonder why me?
What have I done?
Am I being punished?
What sins have I not confessed?

In the midst of my pity party,
God asks me,
“Why would you want to be exempt?”
I should be ready to accept the challenges,
Be ready to grow in faith,
Grow in confidence of His love,
Grow in conviction

So when the storms come,
And I know they will,
I should again ask, why me?
Why am I so special?
To be chosen,
To be given the opportunity
To draw closer to heaven,
To know God more intimately,
And prove myself worthy

I may never know why me,
Why trials come my way,
Why I am asked to endure,
But I will do my best
To honor His decision,
And not make God regret His choice,
Shake His head and wonder,
“Why you?"
"I should have chosen someone else.”

(Matthew 5:45) "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for He maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

When the Rain Falls (2006)
If the rain falls
On the just and the unjust,
Then why be just?
If life promises to fare no better
If you pledge your life to God,
Then why do so?
If there seems to be no purpose
To anything at any time,
Then why believe in a merciful God?
There are no simple answers
Only mystery piled upon mystery.

There will be frustration
There will be answered questions,
There will be heartache,
And there will be joy

The Bible promises the weeping will cease,
That all will work together for His good;
Whether we understand it or not,
Our change comes from believing,
In knowing eternity will bring peace.

The difference is in allowing yourself to feel...
Feel repentant,
Feel peace,
Feel God's love,
Feel humble,
Feel broken,
Feel healed.

The rain will fall
On the just and the unjust,
So be just,
It will not make the sun come out,
But it will change how you handle the storm;
It will fill you with unfathomable strength,
And though you may not believe it now,
You will eventually find joy in the mourning.

(Isaiah 9:6) For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Julie's Christmas Carol (2010)
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Even if you heart is broken;
When grief has pierced your soul
With pain so deep it can't be spoken

Remember the little town of Bethlehem,
And the stable that held pure light;
The Christ child that came to heal our wounds
Even on the darkest night

Away in a manger
Is not just about a baby in the hay,
Jesus is alive forever,
And washes sorrow away

Do you see what I see?
When all seems lost and day is night,
It is yours to discover...
Miracles still happen when you seek His Light

(2 Corinthians 4:8-9) We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.

Reflection (2010)
As I face the end of 2010,
I do not look back with fondness;
Truth be told,
It has been a harsh year...
Two surgeries for my dog,
Death of another dog,
Death of three cats,
And injury to a fourth cat

Facing trials against those I love
Has threatened to break me;
I am bent and twisted,
And not quite the same,
But not broken

I can cling to the Truth
That God loves me;
Right now it has to be enough
To sustain a cracked heart -
One finding it difficult to maintain a rhythm
Not interrupted by loss and fear

I must press on toward God's Light,
And not cast an interfering shadow
Or shrink into the darkness

Though there is comfort
In a clenched fist and stubborn will,
I must let go and be free
Of burdens weighing heavy on my chest
Though I do not quite know how to do so

As I face the beginning of 2011,
I am not certain how to look forward
Without closing my eyes
Or straining my neck looking behind;
But I will push ahead
With Hope at my side
And perhaps even peace in my heart

(Romans 8:28) And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." 

NOTE: I learned to write this style of poem in a writing class I took in 2011.  It can be a bit confusing to read (read it left to right one row at a time, not by column) but they are fun to write.  It is basically the story of my husband.  The loss of both his parents, his first wife, and then his only brother.  It is also about his spiritual strength to go on and do God's will.  And then to eventually marry me!  If you are interested, here is a copy of an "award" I wrote for him that explains a bit more:   https://abcsofajoyfulmarriage.blogspot.com/2026/04/week-17-intelligence-art-project.html

Mel (2012) (A Triptych Poem, Written for my husband)
his past             his loss                his sorrow
his parents        his brother          his wife
his pain             his grief              his anguish
his faith             his doubt            his confliction
his belief           his God              his dream
his obedience    his decision        his conviction
his loss              his grief             his heartache
his exodus         his loneliness     his sorrow
his friend           his comfort         his healing
his outreach       his faith              his resilience
his dream           his belief           his determination
his acceptance    his love             his openness
his healing         his hope             his faith
his love              his wife             his future


(Nahum 1:7) The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him." 

Let the Strongholds Fall (2017) (This one is set to music.)
Let the strongholds fall,
Let the storm be still,
Let the heavens call,
Lord, we’ll do Your will.

Let the trumpet sound,
Let the angels sing,
Let the enemy be bound,
Let Your fire rain.

Lord, we hear Your voice,
We will worship You,
And with all our hearts,
Let our praise be true.

Let Your Spirit come
Purify our hearts,
May our hands be clean
As we bow our knees.

Lord, we seek Your face,
Lord we humbly pray,
May You send us out,
Let us work Your fields

Let the strongholds fall,
Let the storm be still,
Let the heavens call,
Lord, we’ll do Your will.

Let the trumpet sound,
Let the angels sing,
Let the enemy be bound,
Let Your fire rain.

My Testimony, Part 3: 2009-2014

 

 My Testimony, Part 3: 2009-2014

I rarely cry, and especially not in front of others.  Yet, when Sandy* was fired, I cried and begged my boss to give her another chance.  He would not, but not because of Sandy.  (*Not her real name.)

While looking for Sandy's replacement, a woman who had been a former volunteer when she was 18 or 19, interviewed for the open vet tech position.  It was very apparent the vet was enamored with the now thirty-four-year-old red head.  He acted as if his fantasy girl had come back to him.  He was as giddy as a schoolboy and hired her right after her interview.  The married man was never able to contain his lust for her and because of it, my job became unbearable.  

He allowed her to sit in the office and text or read magazines while I did all the work.  She only helped with tasks that took two technicians, and even then, she kept right on texting.  In spite of the fact that she was the last one hired, she made the highest salary in the office (by quite a bit more) and even had paid benefits, though the rest of us did not.  

It was not just the obvious favoritism and lack of work from someone that was supposed to be my partner that irritated me; it was the even more obvious exchange of dirty jokes, giggling, and flirting going on.  If he had not been a married man, it would have still been annoying simply because I had to work ten times harder for a much lower salary, yet seeing the affair happening right before my eyes sickened me.  

The doctor had been an abusive boss long before then with his temper tantrums, grabbing and/or squeezing my hand when he was angry, swearing and throwing things, and some other inappropriate things.  I had put up with the abuse for 4 1/2 years because I needed the job and my dogs and cats needed me to work for a vet, but I could no longer stay in such a filthy environment.  I applied for many jobs for several months, and in August 2011, I was finally hired as a claims adjuster for a very busy pet insurance company.

(Colossians 3:23) And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.  

Working in pet insurance started off fairly easy and I was told I learned quicker than most.  However, soon after I mastered processing the simple claims, I was to move on the much tougher, more detailed ones.  Although I had passed the written exam required to even be considered for this job with a score of 98% (which I was told was very rare), I was having some difficulty with phase two of the position.  As you know, I never went to vet tech school and was trained on the job.  Most vet techs attend school for two years and learn a great deal about medicine.  Although, in my opinion, book knowledge does not make a good tech alone, experience counts just as much if not more (even the above-mentioned unnamed doctor above told me I was one of the best techs he had ever worked with).  However, to be a claims adjuster, you must have the medical knowledge to make it.  I did all I could; I even studied on my time off, but it was not enough to save my job.  It seemed as if I was actually making great progress and getting compliments, but four months in, and I was out! 

When I had been hired, I had been told it takes 6 months to a year to properly learn the complicated job.  So why was I fired after only 4 months? It was not hard to figure out that it very well may have had nothing to do with my lack of knowledge.  Less than a week after I was fired, the entire company moved into a new building. I realized it was not that I had failed, but it was this downsizing to a smaller location that cost me my new job.  We had all toured the new location and knew that though they had 10 claims adjusters, they only had 8 desks for our department.  I wish I had figured out the day of the tour that because they were two workstations short, we would not all be moving to the new location.  Another woman had been fired one week before me.  Therefore, the last two claims adjusters hired were fired (I do not know if any of the other departments suffered losses or not.).  Knowing my firing was not my fault helped my bruised ego, but it was still a hard blow to bear.   
 

(Acts 3:19) Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, 

I remember feeling pretty confused with God.  Why did I get hired on at a job I was told was nearly impossible to get, just to be fired so soon?  Nevertheless, thank God, I was approved for unemployment.  This cut my monthly income to less than half, but it was better than nothing.  And both of my parents were very generous in making sure my refrigerator stayed full!  It was a humbling fact for me as a 39-year-old very independent adult to have my parents help with groceries and even a few bills, but I am so grateful for thier love and care!

After I quit feeling sorry for myself and quit blaming God, I was able to take this time of inactivity to basically hit the reset button.  After all I had gone through at the newspaper, police department, the vet, and now the insurance company, I had become increasingly bitter.  I desperately needed this time away from humanity to de-stress and refocus on God.  Don't get me wrong, I still worked very hard at putting out applications and resumes, but I got very few interviews, and zero job offers.  

It was actually a very good thing I did not get hired for another job.  This became a time of refreshing and revival.  I had always retained my faith in God, but I had been lacking reading my Bible and simply spending time alone with my Creator.  I was a Christian in name only but not really devoted to the things of God.  I used this down time to spend several hours not just reading the Bible every day, but also really absorbing all I read and even reexamining some things I had been taught.  All of this was not just for my benefit; it was for the benefit of the man I was about to meet!

(Romans 8:28) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  

 

Three months into my unemployment, my mom told me about a new man that had been attending her Bible study group. She and others had tried setting me up before, and I usually refused.  Due to my parents' divorce and being rejected by men I had feelings for had caused me to develop a strong mistrust of relationships.  Yet, something inside me wanted to meet this man, and I even reminded her about it when she forgot.  The next thing I knew, I was heading over to my mom and stepdad (Daddy Frank)'s house to meet a man named Mel.  

I was so sure he would find me unattractive that I nearly cancelled, but I forged ahead and soon we were all sitting down to have pizza.  I was still feeling skeptical and was bound and determined to reject him first.  I wanted to find fault in him.  Yet, as he sat there talking about the things of God, I started to notice his adorable dimples, his charming smile, beautiful eyes, and I loved his Missouri-Arkansas accent!  I could tell by the way he could not take his eyes off me, that I was not going to be rejected, and I relaxed.  I could also see that this handsome man was intelligent and spiritually sound. These were qualities I had prayed for.  

As we were preparing to leave my mom's house, we exchanged phone numbers, and he asked me if there was any place around still open to get some coffee.  We decided to go to "Denny's," and from that day forward, we have been inseparable!
 

(Song of Songs 3:4) Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go. 

It was all made crystal clear to me why I had to leave job after job based on a car accident, religious discrimination, sexual immorality, favoritism, and even a company downsizing.  Every single step led me to March 6, 2012, the day I met the man I was destined to marry.  The man for whom I had waited 39 years.  

If I had not been unemployed, I never would have been able to spend a minimum of eight hours a day with Mel and fallen completely in love with him within eight days after our first meeting, and talking about getting married after eleven days.  He has Tourette Syndrome (There is a misconception that everyone who has this swears, and yes, he has several tics, but he does NOT shout out swear words.); he has been on disability since 2010, so his unemployment also made it easier for us to spend a lot of time together. In spite of all the mental and physical pain I had to go through, including fourteen years of living alone, it was all worth it just to be with my soul mate.

 

(Matthew 7:11) If you, then... know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 

Now, after years of misery and an uncertain future, I have a life full of peace and happiness.  God granted me the best gift of all.  My Mel rescued me from a life of dead-end jobs and abusive employers.  No longer did I have to spend my days daydreaming of the perfect man because Mel made all my dreams come true.  

None of it would have been possible if not for the gifts from God.  He gave me the courage to speak out against some very powerful people, gave me the ability to retain knowledge quickly so I was able to perform well at some very tough jobs, and helped me to hang on long enough until He made a way for me to move on to a new position. 

God did not always give me victory, and it seemed I was always being defeated by the ungodly giants in my life, but God gave me the will to move ahead.  He implanted in me the desire to never let go of my relationship with Him, and to hold fast to my faith in spite of facing liars, back stabbers, adulterers, narcissists, etc.  He rewarded me greatly with the husband I had asked Him for.  A man who not only meets my expectations but also exceeds them.  Mel is my spiritual partner, and he has enhanced my spiritual walk.  It is one of the many reasons why our marriage works so perfectly.
 

(Isaiah 55:9) For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.  

So, you see, although I went through many phases in my life where I wondered why I had to leave jobs I once had a passion for, it all had to be.  If I hadn't had a car accident that ultimately led me to leave the newspaper, I never would have worked at several other boring jobs that caused me to seek out a more exciting career.  I never would have found the job working with the police.  If I hadn't been falsely accused, I never would have left the police and never would have gone to the vet.  If my boss hadn't had an affair at the office, I never would have left the vet and I never would have gone into insurance.  If I hadn't been fired from there, I never would have met Mel.  Other than Jesus, Mel is more precious to me than anything, and so worth the wait!  I can't wait to see where God takes us next!

I am choosing the song, "That Somebody Was Me" sung by The Guardians as it describes how I had also once been before my "reset" during unemployment.  I pray I never cease to grow in spiritual wisdom! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rSiyL2yT-8&list=RD6rSiyL2yT-8&start_radio=1