My Testimony, Part 4: 2014-2020

My Testimony, Part 4: 2014-2020

After reading what I had previously written for my testimony in 2014, I realized how much has changed since then.  To begin with, I have changed and (hopefully) matured spiritually. (You can read more about my spiritual growth in this blog here: https://thankful-julie.blogspot.com/2025/10/the-slow-backslide.html). Let me go back 4 years, 4 months.

Sorry for the not-so-good artwork from my journaling Bible, but I like the unprofessional interpretation of my favorite verse better than the fancy memes out there. I'm not saying that to be arrogant, but simply because it is my personal perception of what that verse means to me. 

In case you cannot read the photo, it is of 1 Corinthians 13:12.  The Bible is KJV, but here is the amplified version: For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God].

I have relied on that verse quite a bit since October 1, 2014.  That was the day we lost our home to foreclosure.  

People judge one who has lost a home, but until you have been through it, consider exchanging your criticism for compassion.  It is one of the reasons I now have so much compassion for the homeless; losing a house can happen to anyone of us.  I will not go into why we lost our home, but it was the worst time in my life.  Not because I lost a house, but because I lost 4 of my precious dogs.  I had to find them all new homes separated from us and from each other.  That hurt me worse than anything ever has.  I went through a period of about 6 months where I was so angry with God that I could not even pray.  When I began releasing my bitterness and letting the Lord's gentle love warm my heart again, I started merely saying, "Thank You," to Him for even the small things until I was able to slowly revive my relationship with the Lord.  

Although I no longer blame the Lord for the bad things that happen in life, the loss of those dear dogs still causes me great pain today.  I still cannot think about them without a crushing ache in my chest.  I will never understand why this happened, so you can see why I rely so heavily on 1 Corinthians 13:12.

I am very thankful, however, that we were able to keep the 9 cats we had.  Through miraculous circumstances, we were able to get into a rental 3 days before we were due to be homeless.  And I truly mean "miraculous." We found a rental approximately 70 miles north from where we had lived.  God led us to a house we did not even know was available until we were desperately looking at a hotel in the area. We thought we would have to move into a hotel as we could not find an affordable rental that would take pets.  We just happened to decide to go to the lake while in Cascade and drove by a house with a rental sign outside.  We called the number out of mere desperation.  We did not think we could afford any rent or a huge deposit with our small budget (with 9 cats, you can understand why there was an almost $1,000 deposit required).  This is another long story I won't go into, but God opened the door to that house where we rented until April of 2019.  Throughout our time in Cascade, we continually had people ask how we managed to obtain a rental home in an area where rentals were impossible to find.  The answer was always easy, "God made a way." Even non-believers agreed it was a miracle.

The majority of our time in Cascade was uneventful.  Jobs were just as hard to come by as homes were in the town of less than 1,000 people, but in September 2015 I finally got a job working in the cafeteria at the local school.  

This was also the same month the Lord began dealing with my husband on the issue of television.  God lovingly helped us both to see that Christians should not allow themselves to be exposed to such filth if they truly want to live lives pleasing and acceptable unto the Lord (see 1 Corinthians 6:14-7:1, Romans 12:1-2, & 1 Peter 1:15-17).  Without much thought to clinging to the world, we got rid of our television shortly after I began my job as a kitchen assistant. 

Giving up all television and movies was one of the best moves I have ever made in my spiritual walk.  Do I still struggle with wanting to see the latest dinosaur, sci-fi, or superhero movie? Sure, but I love purity and the things of the Lord far, far more than the filthy things of the world!  

In January 2016 I was walking on the sidewalk outside work and took a flight through the air on the ice and landed flat on my rear end.  Remember the car accident I mentioned in 1995?  Well, two back injuries piled on top of one another, even 21 years apart, was very bad news.  A month after the fall on the ice, my back became so painful that I could no longer handle a job on my feet and was forced to resign. Again, I relied on 1 Corinthians 13:12.  I do not believe God made me fall on the ice, Jeremiah 29:11 says that God does not intend bad things for me, but I do believe He was (and still is) in control of that injury that still causes me problems today.   

Other than a few short job stints here and there, I did not work much while we lived in Cascade.  I do not want to get into my job history during that time as it is not really important except to say that God did bless me with one of my all-time favorite jobs in 2018.  I had a wonderful job as an office assistant working for Idaho State Park and Recreation.  I learned quickly and even trained one other employee. They loved me and I loved them, but it was seasonal only, from May-September.  They told me I would have a guaranteed job every camping season, but... Well, you'll see.    

While the seasonal job was on hiatus, life in Cascade was pretty uneventful until November 2018.  Then, right before Thanksgiving of that year, I was having serious abdominal pain and heavy menstrual bleeding, so I asked Mel to take me to the emergency room.  The doctor ordered a CT scan, and it was discovered I had a golf ball-sized tumor on my right ovary.  

Until January 25, 2019, I lived in fear of ovarian cancer.  I knew, however, that no matter the outcome, God was in control, and he would take care of me and my husband.  I had some fear, yes, but overall, I was at peace.  Around a week after having the tumor, right ovary and fallopian tube removed, I learned I did not have cancer. Praise God!  

Let me go backward a little bit now.  Mel and I have felt a calling to move to the coast of either Oregon or Washington since about 2013 (about a year after we were married).  In September 2018, we used the money I made working for the state park and applied for a home loan so we could pursue our dream and follow God's calling.  

On April 15, 2019, God blessed us with our current home, roughly 30 minutes from the Pacific Ocean.  We fully believe that God has brought us here.  Oh, and God restored part of our canine family in the form of a 6-year-old German Shepherd we adopted from a shelter. (Note: Shortly after posting this the first time, we also rescued 2 more German Shepherds, this time white.  They are half-sisters.)

Our future looks brighter all the time, but I have one more dramatic scene to add to this current chapter of my testimony.  Again, I will not go into all the details, but I have been struggling with symptoms of an unknown illness since at least spring 2016.  I did not link all my symptoms together until around December 2019.  

Let me go back to June 2019.  After moving, I almost immediately got a job working for a wonderful woman that runs a cat boarding facility.  I love her like an aunt or older sister, and I adore the cats I get to take care of.  It is almost like having my vet tech job restored to me but without the sick animals or cruel boss. And of course, it is much, much less complicated. There are lots of precious kitty snuggles and no death and illness to deal with, so in a way, a much happier job than being a vet tech.  

After about 4 months of cleaning cages, scrubbing floors, and being on my feet 2-6 hours a day (depending on how many cats we have), I began to feel weaker and weaker.  At first, I thought my body was just trying to again adjust to a physically demanding job.  However, I had been in pretty good shape, going on long hikes as often as I could with Mel and our dog and exercise usually helped me get stronger.  Yet now the added exercise of working had the opposite effect. The weaker I got and the harder using my arms and legs became, I knew something was not right. 

I won't go into my many symptoms, but I eventually knew I had to see a doctor.  The first one dismissed my symptoms saying the only thing wrong with me was that I was overweight and clumsy.  As I got worse God finally led me to a doctor who saw the seriousness in what I was going through.  She began the process of finding out what was wrong with me.       

My first brain MRI revealed at least 11 lesions in my brain. I have been diagnosed with a demyelination disorder that very well may be Multiple Sclerosis (I struggle with my hands even now as I type this.). I have an MRI scheduled in 2 weeks to get further answers.  Just as when I was facing a possible ovarian cancer diagnosis, I know that whatever the outcome, God is in control, and I will be okay. Not only do I have my wonderful Heavenly Father by my side, but God has also blessed me with an amazingly supportive and loving husband. Thank you, God, for the gift of Mel! 

One more thing to add: when I saw the neurologist, he recognized the name of my current boss because her daughter also happens to have MS.  She has undergone treatment that seems to be tremendously helping her.  The doctor said something like this to Mel and me, "If you do happen to have MS, I will believe in a Higher Power and that He brought you and your boss' daughter together for a reason." Can I get a big, "Amen" on that?  I fully agree.  In fact, if my suffering brings God glory when an unsaved neurologist acknowledges God's goodness, and to any other nonbelievers, it is all worth it!  Again, you can see why 1 Corinthians 13:12 is my favorite scripture verse.

The song I am choosing for part 4 can easily be applied to any or all of my testimony.  It is the song "Through" sung by The Gaither Vocal Band." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSdm_pnqtBc&list=RDhSdm_pnqtBc&start_radio=1

Julie's Poetry, Part 3: 2005-2017

 

Julie's Poetry, Part 3: 2005-2017

(2 Corinthians 7:6) Nevertheless God, that comforteth those that are cast down, comforted us.  

Depression (2005) (Written for a friend.)
Depression
Has settled in;
How can she
Tame such a Beast
That devours life's joy?
With teeth and claws
That scratch and bite,
And a forked tongue
That whispers hate and deceit,
And purrs sweet nothings
To make her believe
Its treacherous lies

Redemption
Has paid the price
To kill the Beast
And set her free;
With nail-pierced hands
That comfort and heal,
And eyes of peace
Full of hope and love
And words of truth
To bless with joy
And a pure heart
Full of mercy and grace

(Isaiah 6:8) Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then said I, "Here am I; send me."

When Called (2006)
It is an honor to be called out,
To have God say you are ready,
To walk through the battlefield
Equipped in the armor of His holy word;
To take a stand where others fall
And say, “Yes, Lord, use me.”
Not to whimper or cry,
But to shout because you are chosen;
To tremble in awe at such an assignment,
And pray for wisdom and strength;
To try to understand,
And believe God’s will even things seem impossible;
To say, “Yes, Lord, teach me.”

To feel His blessing grip a hold of you,
And kneel in His presence;
To not give up or give in,
But to push ahead through the muck.

And when you reach the end,
To praise Him for surviving;
To say, “Yes, lord, heal me.”
And not become bitter;
To reflect on all He taught you;
To remember He chose you;
To feel your faith grow stronger,
And heart more open;
To do it all again,
And say, “Yes, Lord, use me.”

(John 16:33) "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." 

Why Me? (2006)
Losing precious animals,
Religious discrimination,
Financial woes,
And I wonder why me?
What have I done?
Am I being punished?
What sins have I not confessed?

In the midst of my pity party,
God asks me,
“Why would you want to be exempt?”
I should be ready to accept the challenges,
Be ready to grow in faith,
Grow in confidence of His love,
Grow in conviction

So when the storms come,
And I know they will,
I should again ask, why me?
Why am I so special?
To be chosen,
To be given the opportunity
To draw closer to heaven,
To know God more intimately,
And prove myself worthy

I may never know why me,
Why trials come my way,
Why I am asked to endure,
But I will do my best
To honor His decision,
And not make God regret His choice,
Shake His head and wonder,
“Why you?"
"I should have chosen someone else.”

(Matthew 5:45) "That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for He maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."

When the Rain Falls (2006)
If the rain falls
On the just and the unjust,
Then why be just?
If life promises to fare no better
If you pledge your life to God,
Then why do so?
If there seems to be no purpose
To anything at any time,
Then why believe in a merciful God?
There are no simple answers
Only mystery piled upon mystery.

There will be frustration
There will be answered questions,
There will be heartache,
And there will be joy

The Bible promises the weeping will cease,
That all will work together for His good;
Whether we understand it or not,
Our change comes from believing,
In knowing eternity will bring peace.

The difference is in allowing yourself to feel...
Feel repentant,
Feel peace,
Feel God's love,
Feel humble,
Feel broken,
Feel healed.

The rain will fall
On the just and the unjust,
So be just,
It will not make the sun come out,
But it will change how you handle the storm;
It will fill you with unfathomable strength,
And though you may not believe it now,
You will eventually find joy in the mourning.

(Isaiah 9:6) For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Julie's Christmas Carol (2010)
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Even if you heart is broken;
When grief has pierced your soul
With pain so deep it can't be spoken

Remember the little town of Bethlehem,
And the stable that held pure light;
The Christ child that came to heal our wounds
Even on the darkest night

Away in a manger
Is not just about a baby in the hay,
Jesus is alive forever,
And washes sorrow away

Do you see what I see?
When all seems lost and day is night,
It is yours to discover...
Miracles still happen when you seek His Light

(2 Corinthians 4:8-9) We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.

Reflection (2010)
As I face the end of 2010,
I do not look back with fondness;
Truth be told,
It has been a harsh year...
Two surgeries for my dog,
Death of another dog,
Death of three cats,
And injury to a fourth cat

Facing trials against those I love
Has threatened to break me;
I am bent and twisted,
And not quite the same,
But not broken

I can cling to the Truth
That God loves me;
Right now it has to be enough
To sustain a cracked heart -
One finding it difficult to maintain a rhythm
Not interrupted by loss and fear

I must press on toward God's Light,
And not cast an interfering shadow
Or shrink into the darkness

Though there is comfort
In a clenched fist and stubborn will,
I must let go and be free
Of burdens weighing heavy on my chest
Though I do not quite know how to do so

As I face the beginning of 2011,
I am not certain how to look forward
Without closing my eyes
Or straining my neck looking behind;
But I will push ahead
With Hope at my side
And perhaps even peace in my heart

(Romans 8:28) And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." 

NOTE: I learned to write this style of poem in a writing class I took in 2011.  It can be a bit confusing to read (read it left to right one row at a time, not by column) but they are fun to write.  It is basically the story of my husband.  The loss of both his parents, his first wife, and then his only brother.  It is also about his spiritual strength to go on and do God's will.  And then to eventually marry me!  If you are interested, here is a copy of an "award" I wrote for him that explains a bit more:   https://abcsofajoyfulmarriage.blogspot.com/2026/04/week-17-intelligence-art-project.html

Mel (2012) (A Triptych Poem, Written for my husband)
his past             his loss                his sorrow
his parents        his brother          his wife
his pain             his grief              his anguish
his faith             his doubt            his confliction
his belief           his God              his dream
his obedience    his decision        his conviction
his loss              his grief             his heartache
his exodus         his loneliness     his sorrow
his friend           his comfort         his healing
his outreach       his faith              his resilience
his dream           his belief           his determination
his acceptance    his love             his openness
his healing         his hope             his faith
his love              his wife             his future


(Nahum 1:7) The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him." 

Let the Strongholds Fall (2017) (This one is set to music.)
Let the strongholds fall,
Let the storm be still,
Let the heavens call,
Lord, we’ll do Your will.

Let the trumpet sound,
Let the angels sing,
Let the enemy be bound,
Let Your fire rain.

Lord, we hear Your voice,
We will worship You,
And with all our hearts,
Let our praise be true.

Let Your Spirit come
Purify our hearts,
May our hands be clean
As we bow our knees.

Lord, we seek Your face,
Lord we humbly pray,
May You send us out,
Let us work Your fields

Let the strongholds fall,
Let the storm be still,
Let the heavens call,
Lord, we’ll do Your will.

Let the trumpet sound,
Let the angels sing,
Let the enemy be bound,
Let Your fire rain.

My Testimony, Part 3: 2009-2014

 

 My Testimony, Part 3: 2009-2014

I rarely cry, and especially not in front of others.  Yet, when Sandy* was fired, I cried and begged my boss to give her another chance.  He would not, but not because of Sandy.  (*Not her real name.)

While looking for Sandy's replacement, a woman who had been a former volunteer when she was 18 or 19, interviewed for the open vet tech position.  It was very apparent the vet was enamored with the now thirty-four-year-old red head.  He acted as if his fantasy girl had come back to him.  He was as giddy as a schoolboy and hired her right after her interview.  The married man was never able to contain his lust for her and because of it, my job became unbearable.  

He allowed her to sit in the office and text or read magazines while I did all the work.  She only helped with tasks that took two technicians, and even then, she kept right on texting.  In spite of the fact that she was the last one hired, she made the highest salary in the office (by quite a bit more) and even had paid benefits, though the rest of us did not.  

It was not just the obvious favoritism and lack of work from someone that was supposed to be my partner that irritated me; it was the even more obvious exchange of dirty jokes, giggling, and flirting going on.  If he had not been a married man, it would have still been annoying simply because I had to work ten times harder for a much lower salary, yet seeing the affair happening right before my eyes sickened me.  

The doctor had been an abusive boss long before then with his temper tantrums, grabbing and/or squeezing my hand when he was angry, swearing and throwing things, and some other inappropriate things.  I had put up with the abuse for 4 1/2 years because I needed the job and my dogs and cats needed me to work for a vet, but I could no longer stay in such a filthy environment.  I applied for many jobs for several months, and in August 2011, I was finally hired as a claims adjuster for a very busy pet insurance company.

(Colossians 3:23) And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.  

Working in pet insurance started off fairly easy and I was told I learned quicker than most.  However, soon after I mastered processing the simple claims, I was to move on the much tougher, more detailed ones.  Although I had passed the written exam required to even be considered for this job with a score of 98% (which I was told was very rare), I was having some difficulty with phase two of the position.  As you know, I never went to vet tech school and was trained on the job.  Most vet techs attend school for two years and learn a great deal about medicine.  Although, in my opinion, book knowledge does not make a good tech alone, experience counts just as much if not more (even the above-mentioned unnamed doctor above told me I was one of the best techs he had ever worked with).  However, to be a claims adjuster, you must have the medical knowledge to make it.  I did all I could; I even studied on my time off, but it was not enough to save my job.  It seemed as if I was actually making great progress and getting compliments, but four months in, and I was out! 

When I had been hired, I had been told it takes 6 months to a year to properly learn the complicated job.  So why was I fired after only 4 months? It was not hard to figure out that it very well may have had nothing to do with my lack of knowledge.  Less than a week after I was fired, the entire company moved into a new building. I realized it was not that I had failed, but it was this downsizing to a smaller location that cost me my new job.  We had all toured the new location and knew that though they had 10 claims adjusters, they only had 8 desks for our department.  I wish I had figured out the day of the tour that because they were two workstations short, we would not all be moving to the new location.  Another woman had been fired one week before me.  Therefore, the last two claims adjusters hired were fired (I do not know if any of the other departments suffered losses or not.).  Knowing my firing was not my fault helped my bruised ego, but it was still a hard blow to bear.   
 

(Acts 3:19) Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, 

I remember feeling pretty confused with God.  Why did I get hired on at a job I was told was nearly impossible to get, just to be fired so soon?  Nevertheless, thank God, I was approved for unemployment.  This cut my monthly income to less than half, but it was better than nothing.  And both of my parents were very generous in making sure my refrigerator stayed full!  It was a humbling fact for me as a 39-year-old very independent adult to have my parents help with groceries and even a few bills, but I am so grateful for thier love and care!

After I quit feeling sorry for myself and quit blaming God, I was able to take this time of inactivity to basically hit the reset button.  After all I had gone through at the newspaper, police department, the vet, and now the insurance company, I had become increasingly bitter.  I desperately needed this time away from humanity to de-stress and refocus on God.  Don't get me wrong, I still worked very hard at putting out applications and resumes, but I got very few interviews, and zero job offers.  

It was actually a very good thing I did not get hired for another job.  This became a time of refreshing and revival.  I had always retained my faith in God, but I had been lacking reading my Bible and simply spending time alone with my Creator.  I was a Christian in name only but not really devoted to the things of God.  I used this down time to spend several hours not just reading the Bible every day, but also really absorbing all I read and even reexamining some things I had been taught.  All of this was not just for my benefit; it was for the benefit of the man I was about to meet!

(Romans 8:28) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  

 

Three months into my unemployment, my mom told me about a new man that had been attending her Bible study group. She and others had tried setting me up before, and I usually refused.  Due to my parents' divorce and being rejected by men I had feelings for had caused me to develop a strong mistrust of relationships.  Yet, something inside me wanted to meet this man, and I even reminded her about it when she forgot.  The next thing I knew, I was heading over to my mom and stepdad (Daddy Frank)'s house to meet a man named Mel.  

I was so sure he would find me unattractive that I nearly cancelled, but I forged ahead and soon we were all sitting down to have pizza.  I was still feeling skeptical and was bound and determined to reject him first.  I wanted to find fault in him.  Yet, as he sat there talking about the things of God, I started to notice his adorable dimples, his charming smile, beautiful eyes, and I loved his Missouri-Arkansas accent!  I could tell by the way he could not take his eyes off me, that I was not going to be rejected, and I relaxed.  I could also see that this handsome man was intelligent and spiritually sound. These were qualities I had prayed for.  

As we were preparing to leave my mom's house, we exchanged phone numbers, and he asked me if there was any place around still open to get some coffee.  We decided to go to "Denny's," and from that day forward, we have been inseparable!
 

(Song of Songs 3:4) Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go. 

It was all made crystal clear to me why I had to leave job after job based on a car accident, religious discrimination, sexual immorality, favoritism, and even a company downsizing.  Every single step led me to March 6, 2012, the day I met the man I was destined to marry.  The man for whom I had waited 39 years.  

If I had not been unemployed, I never would have been able to spend a minimum of eight hours a day with Mel and fallen completely in love with him within eight days after our first meeting, and talking about getting married after eleven days.  He has Tourette Syndrome (There is a misconception that everyone who has this swears, and yes, he has several tics, but he does NOT shout out swear words.); he has been on disability since 2010, so his unemployment also made it easier for us to spend a lot of time together. In spite of all the mental and physical pain I had to go through, including fourteen years of living alone, it was all worth it just to be with my soul mate.

 

(Matthew 7:11) If you, then... know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 

Now, after years of misery and an uncertain future, I have a life full of peace and happiness.  God granted me the best gift of all.  My Mel rescued me from a life of dead-end jobs and abusive employers.  No longer did I have to spend my days daydreaming of the perfect man because Mel made all my dreams come true.  

None of it would have been possible if not for the gifts from God.  He gave me the courage to speak out against some very powerful people, gave me the ability to retain knowledge quickly so I was able to perform well at some very tough jobs, and helped me to hang on long enough until He made a way for me to move on to a new position. 

God did not always give me victory, and it seemed I was always being defeated by the ungodly giants in my life, but God gave me the will to move ahead.  He implanted in me the desire to never let go of my relationship with Him, and to hold fast to my faith in spite of facing liars, back stabbers, adulterers, narcissists, etc.  He rewarded me greatly with the husband I had asked Him for.  A man who not only meets my expectations but also exceeds them.  Mel is my spiritual partner, and he has enhanced my spiritual walk.  It is one of the many reasons why our marriage works so perfectly.
 

(Isaiah 55:9) For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.  

So, you see, although I went through many phases in my life where I wondered why I had to leave jobs I once had a passion for, it all had to be.  If I hadn't had a car accident that ultimately led me to leave the newspaper, I never would have worked at several other boring jobs that caused me to seek out a more exciting career.  I never would have found the job working with the police.  If I hadn't been falsely accused, I never would have left the police and never would have gone to the vet.  If my boss hadn't had an affair at the office, I never would have left the vet and I never would have gone into insurance.  If I hadn't been fired from there, I never would have met Mel.  Other than Jesus, Mel is more precious to me than anything, and so worth the wait!  I can't wait to see where God takes us next!

I am choosing the song, "That Somebody Was Me" sung by The Guardians as it describes how I had also once been before my "reset" during unemployment.  I pray I never cease to grow in spiritual wisdom! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rSiyL2yT-8&list=RD6rSiyL2yT-8&start_radio=1

Julie's Poetry, Part 2: 1997-2003

Julie's Poetry, Part 2: 1997-2003

(Galatians 6:9) And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

The Point (1997)
I am not weary of doing good,
But of trying to change others,
The harder the effort I make,
The more I am snubbed and insulted,
Making it seem as if no one can be changed

I don’t know if anyone cares to hear the Truth,
To know life can be better,
All that matters is that I’m in their way to living guilt-free,
And being under conviction only makes them angrier,
And they show no sign of surrender

So what is the point?
If no one ever changes
I wonder if I should still try
Or give up and let them wallow in their immorality,
And not pray so hard

But I know I cannot cease to live a holy example,
I will not change to suit them,
I just wish I didn’t care so much,
Or that I knew the outcome,
To know if somehow, something I said or did got through


(John 1:5) And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not." 

John 1:5 (1997)
The darkness may not understand the Light,
But the Light desires to break through -
Piercing the heart of mockery;
Even if just a crack of Light makes way,
Perhaps a change will occur,
Or perhaps the confusion of the Light in the dark
Will make the blackness much colder,
And the Light will be forced out even more so;
For not understanding why the Light strives to overcome the dark
Brings about a misdirected anger -
Grasping to understand, but remaining confused,
Not understanding the war within,
Struggling to break free from the suffocating darkness,
But not yet willing;
For if the dark has never experienced a cleansing heat,
The intrusion it feels wants to annihilate the Light
And never again be forced to look at things through bright eyes;
But the Light will come again,
For it will forever exist,
And it will not cease to attempt to penetrate the dark,
For the Light never loses strength and sends fear into the dark's soul,
So the dark will never forget that the Light was there -
And the memory of the warmth will remain


(Matthew 18:33) "Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellow servant, even as I had pity on thee?." 

Don’t be Offended (1997)
When others feel the need to insult you or your beliefs,
Don’t be offended - -
Feel compassion,
For the throwing of insults proves they are weak;
They have such a low self-image
That they must tear others down to build themselves up;

So don’t be offended - -
Feel pity,
For unless their attitude changes
They are doomed to an eternity of misery,
As their guilt builds higher;

Don’t be offended - -
Feel sorrow,
For their hearts are breaking,
And the anger you see
Is a reflection of the hurt

(Isaiah 40:31) But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 (1999)
“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength…”
I have become quite good at waiting - -
Waiting for my soul mate,
Waiting for a job to make me happy,
Waiting to feel true joy;
My strength is only renewed
When I remember that God is in control of my future,
Only His guidance will pull me through

"They shall mount up with wings like eagles…”
I haven’t yet learned to fly,
But my wings grow stronger every day,
As my faith grows,
And I fully begin to accept
That God is in control,
Only then do I feel the wind beneath me,
As I soar on the mercy of Christ

"They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
It is hard not to grow weary of this world,
Of the selfishness,
Of the violence,
Of the hate,
But I have found myself enduring,
Wrapped in the security of Christ,
And His everlasting love

(Ephesians 1:7) In whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace.

A New Song (2002) (Written for a friend)
Mistakes were made,
Hearts were broken,
Relationships were shattered,
But that was not the end

Redemption enveloped her soul,
Tears were shed,
A bruised reed was mending,
A new stage was emerging

Healing had begun,
Changes were being made,
Lives were being restored,
A new day had dawned

A new love,
Renewed faith,
A stronger heart
This was just the beginning

Beauty shines,
Soul is strengthened,
Life and love are embraced,
A new song awaits!

My Testimony, Part 2: 1999-2009

 

My Testimony, Part 2: 1999-2009

I tried my hand at college for a year and almost one semester, but it was not for me.  All I really wanted to do was write.  I didn't feel like suffering through tough math and science classes in order to obtain an English degree with the rare likelihood I may someday end up with a published novel.  Instead, I chose to work.  I worked at a few dead-end jobs like every nineteen-year-old.  I was pretty bored with every job I held until I found a job in another field I loved: law enforcement.  

In 1999, two months before I turned twenty-seven, I became a dispatcher for the city police, which I loved!  The excitement was addicting and, though it was a lot to learn, I thrived in the challenging environment.  I did not love the constant switch from days to nights every 6-8 weeks and, being a very shy person, I really hated constantly being screamed at by the public I was trying to help.  So, 2 years and 8 months later, I transferred to the office and became a Community Service Officer.  I did everything from data entry, direct traffic, process evidence, community events, take minor walk-in reports, and a large variety of other things.

(Matthew 5:11) Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. 

 The last year and a half of my time with the police I was trained to be the city's crime analyst, which meant predicting crime patterns, creating charts & maps, and developing a weekly crime bulletin.  This was where it all fell apart.  I had taken over the position from a woman who was now the office supervisor, and she hated that I was continually praised by the Chief of Police, detectives, and other officers for my work because this was praise she had not received.  Jealousy reared its very ugly head, and she created lies about me to the point I was placed on probation and had to defend myself in order to save both my job and reputation.  

(Acts 4:29) Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. 

Remember in my last blog that I said I hated being scrutinized at every turn as a preacher's kid?  Well, this was ten times worse.  I had to go before board after board of anywhere from two to six people and defend myself against false accusations.  I was told I was allowed to have a lawyer or other advocate present, but they never told me when these meetings would take place and would simply ambush me and demand I attend one of these interrogations.  I was terrified to speak because they continually twisted my words against me, but when I refused to speak, they threated to fire me on the spot. 

The moment I started to pray that God would guide my words, I found myself suddenly taking a stand against the unethical and immoral behaviors going on in the office.  I had never intended to do such a thing, and yet, low and behold, I would be in one of these abusive meetings and courageous words would come out of my mouth that I surprised myself by saying!  I took a bold stand for Christ I never knew I was capable of taking.  

Almost all of my co-workers turned against me, and even my friends told me to either shut up, quit rocking the boat, or resign.  Even the "Christians" in the department refused to stand by me and did not want me speaking out against the blatant sexual behaviors, supervisors speaking out against Christian employees, and nepotism going on in the office.  My own supposed best friend in the department even thought I was exaggerating about the persecutions I was going through and told me so.  (Several years later she apologized after those in the office that went after me turned against her as well.)  

I would go to work day after day receiving the silent treatment from co-workers I had given birthday & holiday gifts to for seven years. I was very alone and isolated in a department I had once loved like family.  They had praised me and made me employee of the month in 2005 and made my life a nightmare in 2006.  I went from hero to zero in a very short amount of time.  

This sounds like an imaginative plot from a dramatic novel, but I promise you, it all really happened (and more I am not even mentioning). 

To this day I am not certain if jealousy or religious discrimination was the issue that started the whole nightmarish ball rolling.  Either way, I fully believe it was spiritual warfare, and it was all in God's plans.  I never found out the city's final ruling against me because the day after the last meeting set to determine my fate, I was offered another job, so I grabbed a hold of it like it a drowning man reaches for a life preserver.  I turned in my resignation before my boss got to work and never once looked back.

My next job was another dead-end, boring, low-paying one, barely worth a blip in this story.  It is only significant because it plays a role in taking me to another major turning point in my life.  If I had not been so discontent working there, I never would have started looking for another job in less than a year.  

 (Jeremiah 29:11) For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  

Another great love of mine is animals.  I have a great compassion for them and have always wanted to work with animals.  In childhood records, whenever asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I often wrote things like: elephant trainer, rodeo rider, and even veterinarian. 

I had once applied for a job as a veterinary technician sometime in the early 1990's.  I had a working job interview that went so well they almost hired me on the spot but chose someone with experience instead.  I came up against this same wall each time I applied for a job in the veterinary field.  I couldn't even get hired as a kennel attendant without experience.  

So how do you get experience without being hired?  Well, in February 2007, a veterinarian in Eagle decided to give three of us the opportunity to work as veterinary technicians even though we didn't have any training.  Betty* was so stressed out, she quit and went back to being our receptionist (which I'm glad she did because she is one of my all-time favorite co-workers).  Kathy* quit because she had an ill daughter and needed to work closer to home.  That left me and one other experienced vet tech, who had to have knee surgery and was out of commission for almost 2 months.  I was absolutely thrown into to the deep end and expected to swim like an Olympian.  (*These are not their real names.)

I learned the job quickly and successfully, but it was nothing as I had expected.  It was a very tough job physically and emotionally and I both loved and hated it with a passion.  The vet tech with 15 years of experience eventually got fired for a bad attitude and Sandy* came aboard as my new co-worker.  Along with the Betty, Sandy became my other favorite all-time co-worker, and she even became like a sister to me.  When she was fired at the end of 2009, due to circumstances beyond her control, it all went downhill from there.  

To be continued...

The song for today that I am choosing to represent all parts of my testimony is "God Walks the Dark Hills" by my all-time favorite singer, Vestal Goodman, with The Happy Goodmans, of course!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlrxI2S753M&list=RDJlrxI2S753M&start_radio=1

Julie's Poetry, Part 1: 1991-1994

 

Julie's Poetry, Part 1: 1991-1994

As I mentioned in part 1 of my testimony, I am going to share some of my poems to accompany my story.

To some, poetry may not seem like a particularly profound or spiritual thing to share.  However, like the book of Psalms, I see poetry as a way to praise the Lord as well as being spiritually and emotionally healing.  

I do not write poems very often (I am not a very good poet), but I wanted to share these very honest poems with you. Most of these were written when I was still rough around the edges in my walk with the Lord, but these poems show a thread of faith throughout my life as I grew in the Lord. There are a lot of them, so I have divided them into four parts. As with the testimony, feel free to skip these if they are too boring and search the blog site for other topics this week! 

(Psalm 46:10) Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. 

Be Still (1991)
Be still…
My heart pounds and I clench my fists,
I can feel my frustrations surge again,
The tears sit quietly in the corners of my eyes

And know…
What waits for me?
Are my dreams to remain wishes?
Will I even know when reality comes?

That I…
I cannot grasp what is to be,
There are no visible signs leading me,
I do not know what the future holds

Am God!
The Peace of His strength now surrounds me,
Life’s questions begin to fade,
What waits for me will come

(Psalm 27:13) Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

Waiting (1993)
I’ve heard it said before
That only the wicked are downcast,
Only they are restless with life,
But even I,
With Christ at my side,
Even I am impatient

I long for a better future,
Expecting to again love life,
Though nothing ever changes,
Yet I still wait,
Praying for a miracle,
But I wait with an open heart

A prophecy was spoken one night,
Telling me of God’s love,
It said He was planning my future,
And as I cried,
With bitter tears turned to pearls,
I cried with hope and peace

God’s love is teaching me every day
To trust whatever He has planned,
There is freedom in God’s words
And I love Him,
Knowing His promises are true,
I love Him with all my heart

(Lamentations 3:22-23) It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Mercy (1993)
I sit alone to talk to You,
But words are so hard to come by,
I want to speak of my love for You,
But You are so hard to comprehend,
You surrendered Your dignity to be nailed to a tree,
How can I put such an act into words?

In all Your majesty and glory, Lord,
You allow me to come,
Alone I will be with You,
To bask in Your mercy

When I failed You and broke Your heart,
You still loved and cherished me, Lord,
And never gave up on me,
Compassion saw past my stubborn heart,
And allowed me to come back into Your arms,
To lean on Your love alone,
Knowing Your mercy will always find me

No matter how hard life may be,
Your love brings things into perspective,
Your grace makes life bearable,
And my trust remains in You

(Psalm 26:2-3) Examine me, O Lord, and prove me; try my reins and my heart. For thy lovingkindness is before mine eyes: and I have walked in thy truth. 

My Prayer (1993)
Dear Lord,
Anger rose up within me today…
How could one more bad thing happen?
How could I possibly handle more?
I am not so strong, Lord.
But as I opened up Your word,
A wave of Your comfort swept over me;
You knew how much I needed Your love.
Your compassionate voice told me all I needed was You.
You also gently reminded me of my words:
I asked You to test me, Lord,
I begged for You to make me stronger
Make me ready to serve You - -
Whatever it takes, Lord;
I am willing to be used by and for You.
And as I grow emotionally bound to You,
And the tears I used to hate surge,
I am comforted by those tears,
For You are the One who caused them to be,
And through them, I am stronger,
For I feel You most when I am weak,
And even while I’m telling You my day’s woes,
You empower me in Your love…
I love You, Lord!
Thank You for trusting me enough to test me - -
I will do my best for You.
Amen

(John 10:27) "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:" 

The Voice (1994)
So many frustrations in my life,
So many hardships to bear,
Yet a peace encloses my heart,
And a Voice gently tells me not to fear

My senses come alive as this Voice speaks…
I have heard that sound before.
The soothing Voice that calms my anxieties
Is my dearest friend - - my Lord Jesus Christ!

(John 8:12) Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." 

True Happiness (1994)
I have discovered happiness is surreal,
There is no real joy in this world,
Pain lurks around every corner,
Ready to drag down another victim

If only I look past worldly boundaries,
I can see a brighter Light - -
A Light that dims the sun,
And where there is never any darkness

I reach for that Light - -
Though I am uncertain what it brings,
For I know it is Jesus Christ,
And His peace is all I need to know

If only I will let Him lead me,
And use only desires He gives to me,
Then His happiness will bring comfort,
And this world’s pleasures won’t mean a thing

(Revelation 20:11-13) And I saw a great white throne, and him that sat on it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away... And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. And the sea gave up the dead which were in it; and death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them: and they were judged every man according to their works. 

Judgment Day (1994)
When all is said and done,
And I stand before my Lord,
He will not ask me of my wealth,
Nor will He ask about my successes,
He does not care whether I wore the proper fashion,
For this world will fade away;
What my God really wants to know
Is if I truly loved Him with all my heart,
Did I desire His perfect will for my life
And seek His guidance with fervent prayer?
Am I practicing all I read in His holy word?
Or am I a hearer only?
Am I a quiet witness?
Do I shout His name in the streets?
Or do I pretend He means nothing to me?
When I meet my Jesus face to face,
And bow in fear and reverence,
I want Him to know that He is everything to me,
And that I tried to be everything for Him.

(John 3:16) For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Because of Men (1994)
Because of men,
Women go weak in the knees,
They write enough poetry to fit into a book,
They cry and feel pain,
And make fools of themselves

Because of men,
Women settle down to marry,
They learn to cook and clean,
They become mothers
And begin a happy home

Because of mankind,
Jesus died upon a cross,
He wrote them a love story in His Holy book,
He cried and felt pain,
He let them make Him look like a fool

Because of mankind,
Christ rose from the dead
He returned to heaven
He prepared a place for them
He offers a happy home

(Philippians 4:13) I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me! 

Philippians 4:13 (1994)
God, help me,
I can barely find the strength to breathe,
There is so much weighing on my soul,
And I fear this time it’s there to stay;
Give me strength, sweet Jesus,
I cannot do this without You;
I feel I will fall if You let go,
Please hold me tighter - -
I need You!

Don’t give up on me, Lord,
It would be so easy;
Don’t let me cease to believe in You,
For I feel my doubts are stronger than I am - -
They are pulling me so hard,
I feel I am drowning!

O, Heavenly Father, save me,
Don’t let me lose sight of Your love,
Pull me up from despair,
Don’t let me give in to disbelief,
Make me trust in You more;
I know I have pushed You away,
But I’ve always known I need You;

Let me come to You, dear Savior,
I feel I can no longer burden You,
But I need You once again;
I will never stop needing You,
For without You I am weak,
But through Your strength,
I can do all things!

(Psalm 42:5) Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.

Sometimes (1994)
Sometimes I actually forget,
And everything seems... normal,
There is no fear,
No doubt,
But then an unexplainable anger will come
In remembrance of all that's ripping me apart

Sometimes I blame God,
And He feels so far away,
I cannot feel His presence,
And praying seems futile,
But then I realize how much I need Him,
And He pulls me back into His arms