Week 21 From my Marriage Book

I want to share one more chapter from my book, “The ABCs of a Joyful Marriage” with you.  When you read the blog I posted before this one, “Fear Not,” you will probably understand why I wanted to share this chapter with you, in particular the section titled, “Keep Holding On.”

Week 21

Keep Holding On & Keys to Success

 

Keep Holding On:  Your wedding vows will be tested, but keep holding on!  When most people stand before a minister on their wedding day and make vows promising to stay together no matter what life may throw at them, they do not actually believe those vows will be put to the test.  They are mimicking the words the official is telling them to repeat because they are tradition.  At that exact moment, life is full of love and promise.  They are marrying the love of their life and soon they will be on their way to a romantic honeymoon.  Financial problems, illnesses, sorrow, and temptation do not exist in those blissful moments.  Nor did they seriously consider such things while in the joyous moments they were falling in love and planning a future together.  Marriages fall apart when one assumes their love has made them exempt from real life after the “I dos” have been promised and the honeymoon has ended.

Thinking about worst-case scenarios is not a healthy way to build a relationship, so I am certainly not suggesting you waste time on doom and gloom.  This week is about analyzing our vows before we take them and every day after. 

If you marry a wealthy person, seriously stop and think if you love him/her or the money.  If your mate suddenly lost everything, would you leave him/her for someone else?  If you had to downgrade to a smaller house and car, would you throw a fit and make your partner miserable?  Or would you stand by each other’s side and hold hands as you both wait in line at the food bank?  Will you keep holding on?

Will you stand by your spouse no matter what he/she looks like?  If you married a beautiful woman that turns the head of other men, are you more proud of the fact that she is eye candy, or do love her for her character as well?  What if she suddenly gains weight after having babies?  Will you insult her and make her feel horrible for a natural occurrence most woman go through, or will you tell her she is sexy no matter what size dress she wears?  What if that super handsome man gets into a car accident and his face is scarred?  Will you still tell him how good-looking he is and mean it?  What if your wife loses all of her long, beautiful hair to cancer?  Will you hold her hand as she vomits after chemotherapy?   Will you run away if mental illness surfaces because you cannot stand to see him change?  Or will you do all you can to get him the help he needs?  Will you keep holding on?

There are many scenarios under categories that I cannot begin to touch them all.    Nevertheless, I think you can see where I am coming from.

I did not marry a wealthy man, but our finances became even less comfortable a little over a year after we married.  Facing tough financial times, even losing a home, was difficult.  However, I knew before I married Mel that I would live in a tent with him.  He is my home.  If he suddenly became a millionaire, I would not love him any more based on money.  Our love is based on each other’s character, not on things we can and cannot afford to buy that month.  Yes, there was stress, and as money issues are the number one reason marriages fall apart, our marriage was tested.  There was never talk of divorce, only talk of regret that we did not do more to protect our finances.  Neither of us played the blame game.  We clung together and our love and marriage grew stronger.  We kept holding on.

Will we be tested in our marriages only once?  While I would love to say that is the case, I am certain we all know that we will be tested repeatedly.  Whether it is money, illness, or an attractive co-worker, you will face temptation.  That is why it is so very important to make up your mind now that you will always honor every part of your wedding vows, no matter what.  You will you keep holding on.    

Keys to Success:  If you want the keys to unlock a successful marriage, the number one rule is to let God be at the center of your marriage, and the number two is to learn to let the husband be the leader.  I can guarantee that if you follow these two principles, your marriage will be romantic, loving, and joyful.

I once had a woman ask me how (I think she meant why) she could (or should) submit to her husband who insisted on making every decision.  First, not all husbands know how to be leaders in a marriage and women do not know how to be led.  Our society has become so brainwashed and roles are often reversed in the media.  Men are over-the-top bullies or too passive.  Women are too independent and aggressive.  There needs to be a good balance.  There needs to be love, respect, and communication. 

Men know how to be leaders in a job, but not necessarily in their own home. A good boss allows his employees to have their opinions, but he is ultimately the boss and his final decision stands.  This is true also in a marriage.  Spouses should be free to debate issues when they disagree and the husband does not automatically make every decision as a dictator.  However, if it comes to a point where no compromise can be made, the husband gets the final word and his decision ultimately stands.  Genesis 2:24 states that the two become one flesh, which means marriage is a partnership and the two of you make decisions as a team.  God meant for Eve to be Adam’s helper as a part of him, not as his servant. 

A good husband will never be a bully and refuse to listen to his wife’s opinion on any matter.  Of course, not every husband operates this way.  It does not mean he is a bad man, just improperly trained.  I worked in law enforcement (as a civilian) for seven years, and cops do not become chief overnight.  It takes many years of training and experience to reach your way to the top. You must learn to be a good leader and that takes studying and learning from others.  No one becomes an expert spouse overnight.  Reading marriage books (not just this one, of course) is an excellent way to learn as well as talking to others that have successful marriages.  There is never any shame in asking for help from a spiritual leader or counselor if no solutions can be reached on your own.  It is better to seek help from a neutral party rather than a family member or friend who will be sure to take sides. 

We all learn by example and not all men come from homes where the father was the leader.  I have seen far too many homes where the wife rebelled against the husband and refused to let him lead because she was too set in her ways or did not want to be, what she considered, controlled.  For example, I knew a husband who did not want his wife wearing cleavage-bearing tops or short skirts.  Rather than respect her husband (or the Lord) and dress modestly, she rebelled because she felt he was being too controlling and even encouraged their daughters to dress provocatively, which was also against the husband’s beliefs. 

In addition, some wives are the leaders because the man is too passive.  I knew a family with thirteen children where the mother ruled the home.  Each son married an aggressive woman who also ruled their home, and their daughters married men they could control.  I spoke with one of the daughters that confided in me that she had been given a bad example by her parents. She and her husband were learning he was to be the head of the home.  She said they now believed in the principles of Ephesians 5:22-33 and were beginning to apply them to their family.  She said it made for a much happier marriage and things naturally fell in place, as it was more natural to let the husband be the leader.  They both had to learn to change their patterns and make adjustments, but it proved to me that it could be done.  The passive husband had become a loving leader.  The aggressive wife was still a very strong woman, but now much more respectful of her husband’s role and enjoyed it more that way.  She said their marriage finally now felt more like a partnership for the first time in almost twenty years. 

The absence of a mother or father in the home will also make it very difficult for a man to know how to lead if he has never seen it in action.  You cannot fault a man or woman who do not know the proper Biblical roles if they have never seen how it is supposed to look.  One or both of them may not have grown up in ungodly homes. 

The only way to deal with all these issues is through Biblical guidance, communication with each other, and outside counseling if necessary.

 

Marriage-Enhancing Ideas for the Week: 

 

Keep holding On:  Make the decision here and now that, no matter what, you will always hold on tightly to one another and never let your circumstances come between you.

Art Project Option: For some reason, this phrase keeps making me think of a rodeo cowboy.  This week find artwork or a photograph (on-line or even from a catalog) of a bucking bronco and cowboy (or draw them if you can), or use a horse statue or stuffed one if you like, along with a doll.  Print or write the words, “Holding on and still going strong!” (or something along those lines) on the picture.  If using the toys, you can drape the paper over the horse like a blanket.  Frame if you like, and be sure to place it where you will be reminded how committed you are to one another.

 

Keys to Success:  Are you practicing the principles of Ephesians 5:22-33?  If you are having issues in your marriage where the wife is the leader, the husband does not know how to lead, or it is every person for him or herself, then please talk things through and seek counseling if needed.

I know the obvious thing here would be to suggest you make paper keys and hang them up somewhere with Ephesians 5:22-33 written on them (you could still do that if you like), but instead, I am going to suggest spending a small amount of money this week.  I have seen keychain sets where one key is a heart with a keyhole and the other is a fancy key that looks as if it would unlock that heart.  See if you can find this set (I believe they cost less than $5), divide the set amongst the two of you, and attach it to your everyday set of keys.  That way, you will be reminded everywhere you go that God wants the best for you and your marriage and you will be encouraged to practice Ephesians 5:22-33.