I
want to share one more chapter from my book, “The ABCs of a Joyful Marriage”
with you. When you read the blog I
posted before this one, “Fear Not,” you will probably understand why I wanted
to share this chapter with you, in particular the section titled, “Keep Holding
On.”
Week 21
Keep Holding On & Keys to
Success
Thinking
about worst-case scenarios is not a healthy way to build a relationship, so I
am certainly not suggesting you waste time on doom and gloom. This week is about analyzing our vows before
we take them and every day after.
If
you marry a wealthy person, seriously stop and think if you love him/her or the
money. If your mate suddenly lost
everything, would you leave him/her for someone else? If you had to downgrade to a smaller house
and car, would you throw a fit and make your partner miserable? Or would you stand by each other’s side and
hold hands as you both wait in line at the food bank? Will you keep holding on?
Will
you stand by your spouse no matter what he/she looks like? If you married a beautiful woman that turns
the head of other men, are you more proud of the fact that she is eye candy, or
do love her for her character as well?
What if she suddenly gains weight after having babies? Will you insult her and make her feel
horrible for a natural occurrence most woman go through, or will you tell her
she is sexy no matter what size dress she wears? What if that super handsome man gets into a
car accident and his face is scarred?
Will you still tell him how good-looking he is and mean it? What if your wife loses all of her long,
beautiful hair to cancer? Will you hold
her hand as she vomits after chemotherapy?
Will you run away if mental
illness surfaces because you cannot stand to see him change? Or will you do all you can to get him the
help he needs? Will you keep holding on?
There
are many scenarios under categories that I cannot begin to touch them all. Nevertheless, I think you can see where I am
coming from.
I
did not marry a wealthy man, but our finances became even less comfortable a
little over a year after we married.
Facing tough financial times, even losing a home, was difficult. However, I knew before I married Mel that I
would live in a tent with him. He is my
home. If he suddenly became a
millionaire, I would not love him any more based on money. Our love is based on each other’s character,
not on things we can and cannot afford to buy that month. Yes, there was stress, and as money issues
are the number one reason marriages fall apart, our marriage was tested. There was never talk of divorce, only talk of
regret that we did not do more to protect our finances. Neither of us played the blame game. We clung together and our love and marriage
grew stronger. We kept holding on.
Will
we be tested in our marriages only once?
While I would love to say that is the case, I am certain we all know
that we will be tested repeatedly.
Whether it is money, illness, or an attractive co-worker, you will face
temptation. That is why it is so very
important to make up your mind now that you will always honor every part of
your wedding vows, no matter what. You
will you keep holding on.
Keys to Success:
If you want the keys to unlock a successful marriage, the number
one rule is to let God be at the center of your marriage, and the number two is
to learn to let the husband be the leader.
I can guarantee that if you follow these two principles, your marriage
will be romantic, loving, and joyful.
I once had a woman ask me
how (I think she meant why) she could (or should) submit to her husband who
insisted on making every decision. First, not all husbands know how to be
leaders in a marriage and women do not know how to be led. Our society has become so brainwashed and
roles are often reversed in the media.
Men are over-the-top bullies or too passive. Women are too independent and
aggressive. There needs to be a good
balance. There needs to be love,
respect, and communication.
Men
know how to be leaders in a job, but not necessarily in their own home. A good
boss allows his employees to have their opinions, but he is ultimately the boss
and his final decision stands. This is
true also in a marriage. Spouses should
be free to debate issues when they disagree and the husband does not
automatically make every decision as a dictator. However, if it comes to a point where no
compromise can be made, the husband gets the final word and his decision
ultimately stands. Genesis
2:24 states that the two become one flesh, which means marriage is a
partnership and the two of you make decisions as a team. God meant for Eve to be Adam’s helper as a
part of him, not as his servant.
A good
husband will never be a bully and refuse to listen to his wife’s opinion on any
matter. Of course, not every husband
operates this way. It does not mean he
is a bad man, just improperly trained. I
worked in law enforcement (as a civilian) for seven years, and cops do not
become chief overnight. It takes many
years of training and experience to reach your way to the top. You must learn
to be a good leader and that takes studying and learning from others. No one becomes an expert spouse
overnight. Reading marriage books (not
just this one, of course) is an excellent way to learn as well as talking to
others that have successful marriages.
There is never any shame in asking for help from a spiritual leader or
counselor if no solutions can be reached on your own. It is better to seek help from a neutral
party rather than a family member or friend who will be sure to take
sides.
We all
learn by example and not all men come from homes where the father was the
leader. I have seen far too many homes
where the wife rebelled against the husband and refused to let him lead because
she was too set in her ways or did not want to be, what she considered,
controlled. For example, I knew a
husband who did not want his wife wearing cleavage-bearing tops or short
skirts. Rather than respect her husband
(or the Lord) and dress modestly, she rebelled because she felt he was being
too controlling and even encouraged their daughters to dress provocatively,
which was also against the husband’s beliefs.
In
addition, some wives are the leaders because the man is too passive. I knew a family with thirteen children where
the mother ruled the home. Each son
married an aggressive woman who also ruled their home, and their daughters
married men they could control. I spoke
with one of the daughters that confided in me that she had been given a bad
example by her parents. She and her husband were learning he was to be the head
of the home. She said they now believed
in the principles of Ephesians 5:22-33
and were beginning to apply them to their family. She said it made for a much happier marriage
and things naturally fell in place, as it was more natural to let the husband
be the leader. They both had to learn to
change their patterns and make adjustments, but it proved to me that it could
be done. The passive husband had become
a loving leader. The aggressive wife was
still a very strong woman, but now much more respectful of her husband’s role
and enjoyed it more that way. She said
their marriage finally now felt more like a partnership for the first time in
almost twenty years.
The
absence of a mother or father in the home will also make it very difficult for
a man to know how to lead if he has never seen it in action. You cannot fault a man or woman who do not
know the proper Biblical roles if they have never seen how it is supposed to
look. One or both of them may not have
grown up in ungodly homes.
The
only way to deal with all these issues is through Biblical guidance,
communication with each other, and outside counseling if necessary.
Art Project Option: For
some reason, this phrase keeps making me think of a rodeo cowboy. This week find artwork or a photograph
(on-line or even from a catalog) of a bucking bronco and cowboy (or draw them
if you can), or use a horse statue or stuffed one if you like, along with a
doll. Print or write the words, “Holding
on and still going strong!” (or something along those lines) on the
picture. If using the toys, you can
drape the paper over the horse like a blanket.
Frame if you like, and be sure to place it where you will be reminded
how committed you are to one another.
I know
the obvious thing here would be to suggest you make paper keys and hang them up
somewhere with Ephesians 5:22-33 written on them (you could still do that if
you like), but instead, I am going to suggest spending a small amount of money
this week. I have seen keychain sets
where one key is a heart with a keyhole and the other is a fancy key that looks
as if it would unlock that heart. See if
you can find this set (I believe they cost less than $5), divide the set
amongst the two of you, and attach it to your everyday set of keys. That way, you will be reminded everywhere you
go that God wants the best for you and your marriage and you will be encouraged
to practice Ephesians 5:22-33.
